I Was The One I Was Looking For All Along

The two silver oversized balloons she carried out of the party store meant someone special was having a birthday. A big birthday as indicated by the helium-filled “5” and “0” she held tightly as she made her way across the parking lot.

I don’t remember the specific details of the exact day I turned the Big 5-0. But little did I know it would be the first day of my most significant decade of personal growth and transformation.

A milestone birthday can serve as a catalyst for change, but me turning 50 felt more like an extension of being 49. The odometer marking the miles of my life may have turned over, but I was still traveling the same road at the same pace, a road with many miles behind me and hopefully many more in front of me. Same road, same view, just another year older.

Hardly a catalyst.

The real catalyst was a growing sense of inner frustration. Nothing in particular, more of a general level of discontent and misalignment which peaked by the middle of the decade.

I’d always carried a silent frustration within me. Life was something I’d often struggle to understand as well as my place in it. The outside world never saw that side, a side whose voice I was quite good at repressing. In time I learned such a powerful voice can never be fully silenced and as I approached birthday number 55 that voice had become more determined to be heard. It grew louder, more persistent, at times even hostile. It had something to tell me and it was going to get me to notice.

Life does have a way of getting your attention, doesn’t it? At first the hints are subtle, slight Continue reading “I Was The One I Was Looking For All Along” →

Granting Grace In Your Moments Of Darkness

“Be aware of what season you are in and give yourself the grace to be there.” — Kristen Dalton

The annual traffic jam the departing Cape Cod tourists create on Labor Day weekend is a regionally accepted symbol of the unofficial end of summer. Life reverts to the life we so often work to escape, even if for just a little while.

Inevitably seasons change. And while nature offers a predictable schedule for her seasons, life’s seasons have a seemingly random time frame of their own.

As humans we’ve all experienced seasons of abundance, of loss, of growth, of stagnation, of community, of isolation, of clarity, of confusion. Some seasons I’ve wanted to last forever, others seasons have felt like they’d never end.

I often struggled in those unwanted seasons of loss, stagnation, isolation, and confusion. I didn’t understand why I kept finding myself in such darkness, angry at God for putting me in such a hole, and cursing Him for keeping me there.

Graceful I certainly wasn’t.

Maybe that’s why I spent so much time there?

The wisdom found in age changed my relationship with life’s seasons. I may still not know why I find myself dealing with the ones I’d rather not have to deal with, but having been Continue reading “Granting Grace In Your Moments Of Darkness” →

When Nothing Has To Be Anything Other Than It Is

That’s the elusive sweet spot.

No resistance, no forcing, no needing, no grasping.

Accepting without resentment or expectation.

Flowing without forcing.

Trusting the process, the unfolding.

Acceptance is not a passive undertaking by any means. It’s a conscious and intentional decision to see things as they are, even if you might not like what you see.

It isn’t easy getting to such a peaceful place.

It’s quite difficult staying there when you do.

But when you know where you really are, it’s much easier to get where you’re going.

Photo by Maxime Doré on Unsplash

Finding Your Own Road Less Traveled

If you didn’t know it was there you’d probably never know it was.

The paved road unexpectedly turned to gravel. The overgrown grass and trees hid the sign marking the entrance to a rather obscure area of the vast coastal nature preserve. I parked where I could looking for signs that didn’t exist. Google Maps gave me an idea where I was supposed to go, and with my backpack and hiking stick I headed west down the fire road which I believed would lead me to the beach I was looking for.

About a mile later the dirt road lined with scrub pine turned into sand and behind the grass-covered dunes was the beach I was looking for.

Perfectly empty.

Just me and the ocean.

I can see why many wouldn’t want to go through such a process just to get to a beach. A few miles Continue reading “Finding Your Own Road Less Traveled” →

Moving Forward When We Don’t Want To Move At All

Sometimes the heavy days win. The weight of it all eventually buckling your emotional knees and all you want to do is get through it. Recoil. Ride the storm out.

Sometimes the storms within us rage far longer than we expect them to. Survival becomes the priority and in such a mode we often keep our heads down and playing small. In the face of the waves crashing upon us, it feels like the safest option.

But it’s not the only one.

Sometimes I get tired of being resilient, of pushing the same rock up the same hill, of having to rise above situations I did not create but impact me none the less. Sometimes I get tired of clearing such emotional rubble out of the way blocking my path forward. Sometimes I do catch myself with my head down and playing small.

It shows up in my energy and my actions. I notice the things I don’t want to do, the conversations I don’t want to have, my disinterest and indifference and apathetic efforts to do anything Continue reading “Moving Forward When We Don’t Want To Move At All” →

Elevators Or Perpetuators?

8 billion people on this Earth and the vast majority of them fall into one of two groups.

Elevators or Perpetuators.

Those who will lift us up. Those who will keep us stuck.

There are far more people willing to keep us stuck.

Elevators are the rare ones. They’re the ones who know who we are and continuously support where we are going. Perpetuators would rather have us stay exactly where we already are, and if we let them influence us that’s exactly where we’ll stay.

The people we willingly surround ourselves with directly impact the trajectory of our life.

Some will lift us up.

Some will keep us stuck.

Elevators or Perpetuators.

Chose wisely.

Photo by Jason Dent on Unsplash

Moving Past The Old Familiar Sting

On the sidewalk of a small strip mall I noticed a sandwich board sign in front of a liquor store. “Beer doesn’t ask silly questions. Beer understands”. Google “words of wisdom” and it’s highly unlikely that those words printed on that sign would ever come back in the search results.

Perhaps they should.

As someone who endured a rather intense 18 year “relationship” with beer, those words on the sign struck me deeper than I expected them to. Because I know them to be true. Beer was a loyal friend, very predictable, and always took me where I needed to go, unconditionally. Even if where I was going was detrimental to myself. It didn’t question or evaluate what I needed from the relationship. It had a purpose to serve and that’s exactly what it did.

There is something powerfully reaffirming when you feel understood. When you have nothing to justify nor defend. When you’re simply accepted as is. Familiarity provides an intoxicating comfort, even if what’s familiar is undermining your own emotional well being.

Growing beyond the familiar is quite uncomfortable. Alcohol made it easy for me to not have to deal with my own deeper issues, the things on some level I knew I needed to work through but I never had the courage or willingness to do. I decided to stay stuck in the familiar instead of embracing the uncertainty of growth.

Growth asks way too many questions.

In the hauntingly beautiful song “Hurt”, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails speaks of “the old familiar sting”, widely accepted as a reference to substance abuse, though others have interpreted this line Continue reading “Moving Past The Old Familiar Sting” →

Urgency, Clarity, Intention, & Purpose

Her text brought an unexpected smile to my face.

It’s July 4th and my younger sister reached out with a memory of the day we celebrated America’s bicentennial. Our ever-crafty Mom baked a couple dozen cupcakes and us neighborhood kids got to decorate them with the red, white, and blue frosting she made. We all got together by the old fence separating our yard from Dave Wooler’s yard and expressed our patriotic spirit in a very sweet way.

I had forgotten all about that day but her text brought me right back into that moment. The faces, the voices…hard to believe it was 50 years ago.

Revisiting memories is often a double-edged emotional sword for me. Inevitably I will move past the memory itself and find myself fixated on the time separating the memory and the now. As in what have I done with my life in those years in between. As much as I’ve come to accept the path my life has taken, that nagging and quite persistent inquisitive voice within has the tendency to prompt me to revisit my path. The choices I made. The choices I didn’t make. The choices I never allowed myself to make.

Quite often this line of questioning was met with a tenacious hostile reaction from within, sort of the same reaction I experienced when I felt short of the paternal expectations I wasn’t living up to. I should have done better, and not knowing what better actually was didn’t let me off the hook for not doing Continue reading “Urgency, Clarity, Intention, & Purpose” →

The Color Of Courageous Authenticity

Fourteen.

That’s our personal record. That’s the number of paint samples we evaluated as we looked to refresh the family room. The first five samples weren’t very exciting, neither were the next five, and the last four were one final attempt to find that one elusive color we’d been hoping to find to bring the room alive.

Ultimately we selected one of the first five we looked at.

With infinite color choices readily available, we ended up with more of what we already had. At the sample stage we were bold and adventurous, inspired to create and take chances. But when it came time to commit to something outside of our ordinary we instead chose more of our ordinary. Bold and adventurous gave way to the familiar and safe.

What could have been had we been willing to actually create it.

Life sometimes feels like a room that could use a little refreshing. A chance to recolor our world to better reflect who we really are and who we know we were created to become. To no longer accept the narrow color palate of a life that was expected of us and to instead embrace our own bold and adventurous colors, colors only we can bring into this world.

There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with familiar and safe. Unless familiar and safe serve as limiting parameters preventing us from growing, evolving, and expressing our truest colors.

In a world where we can be anything, may we find the courage to express our most authentic self.

Photo by russn_fckr on Unsplash

Which Voice Do You Listen To?

Clarity.

The search for meaning, purpose, direction. Of sorting through the past and the present in hopes of shaping your aligned future. Those willing to dive into the deep end of their own emotional pool will first need to faithfully navigate the murkiness of what is in order to then be able to find the pathway towards the version of themselves they’re looking for.

But clarity has its detractors. Usually those who’ve never chosen to confront their own inner murkiness.

The process of becoming is a lonely one. The voice within often taunted by the voices outside of you, familiar voices, voices you’d expect to give you the space to grow instead working to keep you where they’d rather have you stay.

Which voice do you listen to?

On my meandering path forward I’ve learned to focus more on the expectations I have for myself. I’ve given myself the space to grow. My path is my responsibility and my voice is the one I’ve learned to value and trust to guide me down my path.

Others don’t have to understand nor be supportive.

I’m not waiting around for them to do so.

Photo by Papaioannou Kostas on Unsplash

Peter Mis LivingHalfFull.com

Lessons From A Life Unfolding

Tag: mindfulness