The Epic Struggle Between Two Conflicting Versions Of Me

It was one of those tough conversations you knew you had to have.

They’re always tougher when you have to have them with yourself.

December is an important month for me. It’s a time of reflection and introspection. Of looking forward and backward at the same time. My best years are the intentional ones and to prepare myself to make the most of the next 12 months I commit a significant amount of time during the last month of the year setting my course forward.

Going through some notes from a year ago, I found a list of well-intended intentions set for this year which I never actually followed through on. Intentions are promises I make to myself, and this list represented a list of promises I failed to keep. Me letting me down.

My intention setting process involves a vetting sequence. Intentions start as wishes and grand ideas, and while they feel exciting in the moment, I’ve got quite good at challenging myself as to whether I would be willing to actually commit myself to them. Are these wishes and grand ideas something I can honestly see myself getting behind 100%? Or are they simply wishes and grand ideas which would be nice to have but I know I’d never do what it takes to make them happen?

After discovering my list, it looks like I need to refine my vetting process a bit more.

As I looked at my list of unrealized intentions I initially felt a habitual degree of anger towards myself. “I let myself down yet again, didn’t I?” “I thought I had grown past doing this to myself.” I quickly pivoted to compassionately asking myself why I believed I never got behind these set intentions, now with a curious and non-confrontational tone.

What did this have to teach me?

I did start the year actively breathing life into these intentions. But slowly I had simply gotten away from them. Life gets busy, right, and priorities you commit to building your life around can become things you’ll get around to if you have a chance. Perhaps a valid excuse if you’re willing to settle for excuses you can validate. But when intentions simply never become more than intentions, the common denominator in their incompleteness is vision.

The vision of who we tell ourselves we are.

Growth really should come with a warning label, a warning of the coming inner battle between who you accept yourself to be and the person you are trying to become. We can set the best of intentions, but the you who you are is committed to keeping you the way you are. It’s a form of protection and self preservation, but it’s also a significant roadblock on the path to the person you want to create.

My list of incomplete intentions were quietly at war with my vision of who I accepted myself to be. An epic struggle for self domination between two conflicting versions of me. These intentions, once realized, would have changed me into someone who I didn’t think I really was. No matter how thorough my intention process is, nothing will ever override the vision we accept of ourself.

Change requires our vision to change.

When setting intentions going forward, the critical question for me to now ask myself is if I can honestly see myself becoming the person I intend to create. It’s more than just setting goals. It’s understanding that if we are not able to see ourselves attaining any physical, spiritual, financial, relational, or any other goals we have set, we will never get there. We may start, we may make some initial progress, but our inner voice is constant, patient, and very convincing.

And it always wins.

We are confined by stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.

What stories are you telling you about you?

The version of me I’m working to create requires an inner story consistent with this new version. It’s a story which needs to be diligently retold and reinforced if I hope to reshape my inner narrative and allow myself to embody my specific hopes and dreams and intentions and aspirations.

Stories are both rigid and malleable. They set our course but the course can always be modified to reflect a new direction for our life. It’s not easy. It’s a silent inner battle. It takes time and consistent effort to remind yourself of your worthiness of growing into your authentic self. But it’s the battle for who you will ultimately become and experience in this one life.

I think it’s worth the fight.

Do you?

Photo by Stijn Swinnen on Unsplash