You’d think something as important as life would come with an instruction manual. Buy a new toaster and you’ll learn how to toast bread in several different languages. But life? It forces you to figure it out on your own. It’s a process, a meandering non-linear journey through mountains and valleys of joy and pain just to find a base level of understanding of this thing we call life. For those courageous enough to willingly search within, we often don’t fully understand what we’ve signed up for. But it’s a journey we know we simply need to embark upon. In the darkness we often find the light.

If I were to be tasked with creating an instruction manual for life, I’d include the following six foundational ideals I’ve learned the hard way. The hard way, forged in the fires of my own skepticism, doubt, denial, blame, resistance, and fear.

And finally, acceptance.

Perhaps my trials will save you some trials of your own.

YOU MATTER

At times life gets us to a point where we can question our own value. Our own worth. We can often feel unheard and unseen even by those closest to us, creating an emotionally dangerous space perpetuating the questioning of the significance of our existence.

In the ever-distracted world we all share, our focus is seldom placed upon reminding ourself of of our own significance. And how often are we reminded by others? But in this intentional universe, ever purposefully in its creation, the fact that you and I are here is evidence that we matter, even if we perhaps aren’t quite sure why. There are no spare parts in this intentional universe. It simply doesn’t work that way.

Yes, you matter.

YOU’RE NOT BROKEN AND YOU NEVER WERE

A lot has happened to you since the day you were born. Some of those things have greatly impacted your own sense of self. Of who you are. Of what you think is possible for you.

Humans, including some well-meaning humans, in their attempt to love you and keep you safe, often transplant their own fears and limitations and insecurities into the fertile grounds of a young children’s psyche. Those seeds are watered repeatedly by their comments and actions reinforcing what can often become a sense of our own inner brokenness. Of being less than. In some ways defective.

They did their best, even if at times their best held you back from becoming your best. But you were never broken.

Creation is always intentional. It never births broken things. Including you.

Where you go from here and what you choose to believe about you going forward?

That’s all up to you.

IDENTITY IS EVERYTHING

Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who we think we are greatly determines who it is we will allow ourselves to be. It’s that ongoing narrative, infinitely and relentlessly looping in our heads which establishes the parameters which we will allow ourselves to live within.

If that voice speaks of limitations we will live a life of limitation. If that voice speaks of unworthiness of love and abundance we are certain to find very little of either. If that voice speaks of possibility and opportunity, our path will be full of them both.

Listen to that voice. If it’s not serving you, change it to a voice which does. Yes, you get to do that.

It’s your life.

It’s your story.

YOU’RE NOT FLAWED, YOU’RE JUST EVOLVING

It seems humble, almost noble, for us to fall on the sword of our own imperfections these days. To stand before ourselves and accept the cracks and blemishes which have, in our own minds, rendered us flawed.

I don’t believe in flawed humans. Flaws are just things we choose to believe about ourselves. All of creation is intentional, purposeful, and by design. Flaws require comparison in order to exist, some external standard that we arbitrarily decide to hold ourselves up against. When we fail to meet the level of this standard we somehow decide that we are, therefore, flawed.

Each of us is a once-in-forever unique expression of our creator. There never was, is, nor will be another you. And since there is only one of you then there isn’t another you for you to compare yourself with. Without comparison nothing can be judged to be flawed.

You are evolving. Unfolding. Becoming. On your own unique non-linear schedule. Embrace it. Allow yourself the space and patience to keep growing into the only version of you the world will ever know.

There is no comparison.

THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP YOU WILL EVER HAVE IS THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF

Like it or not, you’re gonna have to deal with you for the rest of your life.

Every moment.

My relationship with me hasn’t always been a good one. It was often contentious, often verbally abusive, often me just trashing me and reinforcing the negative and limited image of self that somehow took root within a younger version of me and simply kept going. If there was a way to have filed some sort of emotional restraining order against myself I think I would have done so.

At some point, though, during an episode of me trashing me for doing something else wrong, a voice rose up and asked me why I was treating myself this way. Why was I being so brutally hard on me? Why was I constantly working to keep myself down?

My deeper work tells me that my inner voice of hostility was a form of inheritance, a “gift” given from generations who came before me. Yet, in that moment I was able to question myself about the brutality of my self loathing and my relationship with me began to change. I wouldn’t treat others the way I was treating myself, so why am I treating myself this way?

That simply question started a dialogue between my inner warring factions. That dialogue created a space for understanding and healing which has changed my relationship with me exponentially. It has allowed me to treat me as my own equal. It allowed me to begin to like myself and respect myself, the first step towards accepting and loving yourself.

You’re worthy of the same type of relationship with you. Create a space for it, nurture it, and protect it as if it is the most important relationship in your life.

Because it is.

PEACE AND HAPPINESS ARE ALWAYS FOUND WITHIN

Logically I knew this. But that never made it easier to accept it.

We often chase external things to satisfy our internal needs for peace and happiness. In a consumerist consumption driven society we are taught that external attainment is the way to the nirvana we seek. Our economy is greatly dependent upon this delusional premise.

We can also choose to outsource our peace and happiness and shift that responsibility on to others, often significant others. We make them the stewards of creating that perfect space for us to experience life the way we want to experience life. It feels easier to seek in others what we are uncomfortably unwilling to seek within ourselves. While significant others play significantly important roles in our lives, they simply don’t have the capacity nor the responsibility to give you what you can only give to yourself. It’s just not how it works, no matter how much love you share.

Healthy levels of peace and happiness are never sustainable in an environment of co-dependency upon things outside of us.

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Big ideas, each of them. Each worthy of more space than they’ve been given here. But maybe understanding and accepting a few basic tenets of life will allow you to flow forward within their framework and get you closer to the life you know you were created to live.

That’s my hope for you.

That’s my hope for me.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

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