Ending The Inner Battle Against Myself

So here I am. Sitting behind the wheel of my life. The ultimate road trip. There is no final destination entered into the GPS because, well, life simply doesn’t work that way. You know where you started, you know where you are, you may even know where you want to go, yet life has a way of unfolding so you’re just never 100% sure of exactly where you’re going.

Who’s with me on this ride of my life?

Me.

All of the different versions of me.

The different versions of me? Sure. There’s the Optimist Me. The Uncertain Me. The Fearful Me. The highly-caffeinated Excitable Me. The Grateful Me. The Regretful Me. The Deeply Introspective and Spiritual Me. The Overwhelmed Me. The Unworthy Me.

Lots of different parts of Me.

Each of these parts of me has their own unique voice, their own unique perspective shaped by environment and experience. Certain voices, though, were not always welcomed at the table. I worked hard to keep some of them repressed. When certain parts of you are silenced and ignored by you it creates a fertile breeding ground for your own inner civil war.

Life has been a non-linear meandering journey of learning and unlearning, of trying to understand and to be understood. Of trying to control the uncontrolables. I’ve figure a lot of stuff out but there is always more to learn. Honestly, I can be a lot of work at times and I would never be afraid of aggressively letting myself know that I was. In my process of evolving I’ve tried to minimize and silence those internal voices of doubt, fear, regret, and unworthiness. Those voices which I’ve felt have worked against me and prevented me from growing more fully.

Ironically, one of the most significant impacts upon my growth was embracing those very voices which I told myself had prevented me from growing.

Instead of repressing those significant parts of me, I slowly began to listen to them and see them as important parts of me, even if I didn’t like what they had to say or how they made me feel. I learned to respect them the more that I welcomed them and their voices. Without judgment of them or what they had to say. After all, repressing them was really me repressing rather significant parts of me. If I was ever going to find my peace with me I would need to have a solid relationship with me. I needed to embrace all the parts of me.

The sum total of me.

I was tired of the inner battles of me working against me.

When my doubt, fear, regret, and unworthiness feel a need to be expressed I give them the space to be heard. To be understood. To be seen. To know that they matter. As equals. Isn’t that what we all want? I never question the validity of their opinions. Again, no judgment for what they may say, and no judgment towards me that such voices exist within me. I don’t always like what they say, but when they speak I always learn a bit more about who I am.

Their voices, once something I would often turn into a confrontation, now create a conversation, a deep inner dialogue. Me, patiently listening to me, about me. I work to better understand their point of view. After all, these are important parts of me, and as a sum total of all my parts I want to create an inner environment where all of me is safe to be all of me.

Repressed voices and emotions inevitably will always find a way to express themselves. So why not engage them when they arise?

When inner confrontation becomes inner conversation we create a space to heal and to grow. And nothing has helped me to heal and grow more than to compassionately and respectfully accept all the parts of me. Without judgment.

The inner battle against self has been greatly neutralized.

That’s made the road trip of my life far more enjoyable and peaceful. Just me, all of me, including all the often confused and conflicted parts of me, navigating our collective way through this only life I’m ever gonna have. It’s often loud, at times still a bit contentious, but no matter where we are going we’re all going there together.

All of me.

The sum total of me.

Photo by Christian Wiediger on Unsplash