Compassionate Moments Of Self-Discovery

Compassionate Moments Of Self-Discovery

“What’s wrong with me?” Gretchen sang, quite painfully.

The high school drama club’s spring production this year was “Mean Girls”, a condensed musical version of the motion picture written by Tina Fey originally released in 2004. It retells the age old story of fitting in and acceptance in the high school environment. Gretchen was in the inner circle of the school’s most important clique led by Regina. In exchange for being somewhat accepted, Gretchen paid the very steep price of essentially sacrificing her authentic self in the process. A painful process which led her to painfully question her own worth and value.

Insecurity is a powerful force. It preys upon our perceptions of unworthiness. It preys up our need to be safely accepted as we are, even if we compromise who we are in the process.

It’s a rather cruel process.

We are exposed to messages of insecurity daily. Our economy needs us to feel insecure about who we are, what we look like, how much we weigh, what we drive, and where we live. Social media is littered Continue reading “Compassionate Moments Of Self-Discovery”

The Gift Which Never Feels Like A Gift

The Gift Which Never Feels Like A Gift

I was hoping I wouldn’t see her.

But there she was.

It’s Sunday grocery shopping and I’m standing in the deli line, ticket number 117 in my hand. I see Janet working the slicer and I’m hoping that she won’t be the one who calls number 117.

Janet and I have issues. Actually, Janet has no idea I have issues with her. Janet, actually, has no idea who I even am.

And then she speaks.

“Number 117?”

Seriously?

My instructions from those at home who eat the freshly sliced deli meat is that the deli meat is to be sliced extremely thin. It sounds like a simple request, but for some reason asking Janet to slice the olive loaf extremely thin doesn’t make her happy. My request is always met with an indignant damning glance, as if I’ve instructed her to violate some sacred law of slicing sandwich meat. After a pronounced pause she say “you know, if you slice olive loaf too thin, all the olives will fall out”, her eyes still tensely locked with mine. “That’s OK…that’s how they like it”, I defiantly reassure her. “That’s OK.” With that, she sets the slicer’s thickness dial as low as she can and begrudgingly slices the meat as I requested it, holding up the first slice awaiting my approval before she continues. I silently nod my head once and the standoff is finally over.

In that same head I hear my indignant lament. “Can’t a man simply have his sandwich meat sliced the way he wants it without his motives being questioned? Do I really have to deal with this on a Sunday morning?”

But this really isn’t about Janet. What this is really about is why would I let such a scenario annoy me as much as it does?

If we are willing to look closely we will notice that within all of us lie triggers, those external occurrences and unmet expectations which habitually set us off emotionally. And no matter how we may choose to Continue reading “The Gift Which Never Feels Like A Gift”

Making Room For The Other Voice In You Head

Making Room For The Other Voice In You Head

“I am me.

And that should be enough, it always has been enough.

I was the one who didn’t get that.”

A friend of mine posted these words, the words of Matthew Perry, in the wake of his untimely and unexpected passing.

I’d not heard these words of his previously, yet they did have a familiar feel to them. An almost universally familiar feel to them.

I’m not sure when upon our human paths we start to diverge from our own innate perfection. I’m not sure what serves as the wedge causing microfractures in our sense of worthiness. Each journey is a uniquely personal one, yet so many arrive at the same destination of questioning if they are enough as they already are.

The world at times certainly like to remind us of what we are missing, of what we are lacking…relentlessly setting ever-changing and ever-inflated expectations that can certainly can cause us to not Continue reading “Making Room For The Other Voice In You Head”

Life Will Never Let You Outrun Yourself

Life Will Never Let You Outrun Yourself

It had been quite some time since my last road trip here. A four hour drive west to visit some lifelong friends, a visit long delayed and long overdue.

On many a previous trip the younger me would often wonder what my life would look and feel like if I were to pack everything up and physically relocated to this area. A beautiful part of the world, a beautiful place to start anew.

The only problem?

I’d be taking me with me.

The same me I’d been trying to run away from.

My unending search for whatever I felt was missing in my life always lead me to search in places I would never actually find it. Especially since I wasn’t even sure what it was I was hoping to find. Running away from What Is can take many different forms, not just physically moving into a new ZIP code. Distractions in the form of alcohol, stimulants, avoidance, denial, big ideas, and even blame all seem Continue reading “Life Will Never Let You Outrun Yourself”

Ending The Inner Battle Against Myself

Ending The Inner Battle Against Myself

So here I am. Sitting behind the wheel of my life. The ultimate road trip. There is no final destination entered into the GPS because, well, life simply doesn’t work that way. You know where you started, you know where you are, you may even know where you want to go, yet life has a way of unfolding so you’re just never 100% sure of exactly where you’re going.

Who’s with me on this ride of my life?

Me.

All of the different versions of me.

The different versions of me? Sure. There’s the Optimist Me. The Uncertain Me. The Fearful Me. The highly-caffeinated Excitable Me. The Grateful Me. The Regretful Me. The Deeply Introspective and Spiritual Me. The Overwhelmed Me. The Unworthy Me.

Lots of different parts of Me.

Each of these parts of me has their own unique voice, their own unique perspective shaped by environment and experience. Certain voices, though, were not always welcomed at the table. I worked hard to keep some of them repressed. When certain parts of you are silenced and ignored by you it creates a fertile breeding ground for your own inner civil war.

Life has been a non-linear meandering journey of learning and unlearning, of trying to understand and to be understood. Of trying Continue reading “Ending The Inner Battle Against Myself”

Do You Want More Of What You’re Feeling?

Do You Want More Of What You’re Feeling?

10:01 AM.

The iPhone vibrates.

It’s a message.

From me.

To me.

“Do you want more of what you’re feeling?”

I schedule this to happen three times per day. And each time the alarm goes off, this question appears on my screen.

“Do you want more of what you’re feeling?”

It’s become an important question I ask of myself.

In order for me to know the honest answer to this question, I must stop for a moment and notice what I am actually feeling.

How am I doing? Happy? Sad? Angry? Indifferent? Stressed? Peaceful? Anxious?

Before I started asking myself this question, for the most part I never really knew how I was doing. The days would sort of run their course, meandering through various emotional and vibrational peaks and valleys, with me obliviously reacting to it all.

Feelings are important barometers because we tend to get more of what we are feeling. Angry Pete would find more things to be angry about, and the Peaceful Pete would effortlessly find more peace. Feelings have their own energetic vibration, and in a world greatly influenced by energetic vibration we get back more of what we are radiating outward.

Prompting me to check in with me shows me the path I am on. Most times I do want more of what I’m feeling. Occasionally, though, this momentary look into myself tells me that no, I don’t want more of what I’m feeling. Without judging myself harshly if I find myself misaligned from how I want to feel. I notice. I investigate. I adjust, if I desire to. It’s usually a quick process, but there are times when I need to go deeper and stay with the unwanted feelings, try and understand why they are there, and lovingly Continue reading “Do You Want More Of What You’re Feeling?”

Where Has All The Encouragement Gone?

Where Has All The Encouragement Gone?

Maybe it’s just easier to beat people down instead of building them up?

A friend of mine was having a conversation with her young neighbor. The young neighbor had grown frustrated with his inability to finish a project he had started. Inability, as in he didn’t think he could figure out how to do it. My friend mentioned to the neighbor that since he had already figured out how to get the project to this point she was certain that he’d be able to figure out what to do next. “You’ve gotten it this far, I’m sure you’ll be able to get it done. You’ve got this.”

Encouragement. It’s not something the young neighbor was too familiar with. “I can’t remember that last time anyone has told me they believed in me.”

Kind of sad.

I was raised by two loving parents. One was an optimistic encourager, the other a pessimistic pointer outer of what I did wrong. A bad grade on a school exam produced two distinctively different parental responses. While both were disappointed, one responded with a compassionate encouraging vibe of “I know you’ll do better next time” while the other grounded me and made sure I didn’t watch TV for a week. One left me feeling empowered, the other simply watered the seeds of doubt I’ve now been uprooting for years.

I prefer the encouragement, please.

I think we all do.

But where has all the encouragement gone?

For those who weren’t ever encouraged it’s often difficult to be encouraging. It goes against what they’ve known, of what they’ve experienced. Often our ability to be encouragers is passed down, almost genetically, like the color of our eyes.

Further putting the hurt on encouragement is society’s growing bias towards negativity. Reality shows, “news” outlets, political grandstanding, and to a great extent social media are all fertile breeding grounds of hate and tearing others down. Apparently it’s quite good for their business.

Kind of sad.

We often think of encouragement as something we do for our kids. Like it’s something that is eventually outgrown. But at what point in life do we ever truly outgrow the benefits of being encouraged? Or the need? We all carry within us our own personal heaviness, mostly unseen by others. Unseen, because it’s visibility we fear would make us appear weak. Especially us men. Our world is unkind to those perceived as weak, so we embrace the facade of strength. And the people we see as strong never need any encouragement, we tell ourselves, so none is ever offered.

Pick one day. One day to simply notice how much encouragement you witness. Listen. Observe. How much are we picking each other up? My experience of purposefully noticing the tone and content of conversations usually results in witnessing very little encouragement. But there are so many opportunities to do so.

We just need to decide to share some.

Even at my advanced age I still appreciate and benefit of words of encouragement. I’ve figured out a great deal about life, but that knowledge alone doesn’t always make life easy. Sometimes being the recipient of a few positive words can change my energy and move me forward.

Each day will present us with opportunities to offer words of encouragement to those we interact with. Friends, family, and strangers alike.

It’s also extremely impactful and important when we are interacting with our self.

In a world somewhat obsessed with the negative, we can offer a different voice, a voice of encouragement which will always create a more positive impact.

Closing the encouragement deficit starts with us.

Each of us.

Me. And you.

I know you can do it!

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Self Abandonment & Embracing The Voice Of Authenticity

Self Abandonment & Embracing The Voice Of Authenticity

Somebody told you a story. Perhaps just once. Perhaps several times. But stories have a way of taking root, especially in the impressionable and fertile mind of a child. Even well intentioned story tellers have no idea how that story could impact the life trajectory of that child.

Stick and stones. Yes, they can break bones. But names and labels have such a power to hurt you and your sense of who you are. More specifically, of who you think it is you are.

And who you think you are is perhaps the most important story you’ll ever tell yourself.

As a boy, I didn’t get into too much trouble. I was the third born, coming into this world six years after the second born. I was kind of left on my own, staying within the parameters that were set for me. On one occasion, though, my failing junior high school grades gave my Dad the opportunity to vehemently express his disappointment in me. Not in my grades. But in me, the person. His son. A new story was told, and stories have a way of taking root in the impressionable and fertile mind of a child. Especially when that story comes from your Dad.

And take root it did.

In hindsight, what Dad was trying to do was motivate me. A lifelong factory worker, he wanted me to live a different life than what he was living. His was a hard life, a paycheck-to-paycheck existence. Up early, grabbing as many extra hours as he could. He wanted more for me, and the harshness of his tactics was his way of trying to show me. I see that now, but the young version of me was far to emotionally immature to see that. Dad spoke. I had no reason not to believe him.

And take root it did.

Perhaps you, too, have had the opinions of others impact your perceptions of who you think you are? Maybe you’ve been told at some point in your life you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not beautiful enough, you’re too emotional, you’re a lot of work, you’ll never amount to anything?

The stories we tell ourself will define us. They shape our expectations, shape our actions, shape what we feel is or isn’t possible for ourself. These stories can cause us to abandon who it is we really are in order to live a life consistent with who it is we’ve been told we are. Because we will become who we think we are. We will build a world around those stories, a world in which we will regulate our levels of abundance, worthiness, and even our own perceived lovability. We will fill in life’s pieces accordingly, reinforcing the stories further. We will always attract just more of the same.

A different life requires a different story.

A story in which we embrace our truest self and never needing to abandon it.

When we embrace our authentic self, we will attract and create a world around us full of people and opportunities and relationships which will support our most authentic and purest self. That is the life we all were created to live.

We do get to decided which stories we accept as true.

Actually, we’ve been doing it all of our lives.

So why not embrace a story which supports the life we know we really want to live, the life we were created to live?

Uprooting an identity is hard work. But if you don’t start, you never will.

Your authentic self? It is still within you. It’s alway been there. It’s as beautiful as you’ve always known it to be. It just needs for you to tell yourself a different story.

The Voice of Authenticity is calling you.

Abandon your stories which no longer serve you, and you’ll never again have to abandon the most important person you will ever know.

You.

Photo by Chela B. on Unsplash

Today Is A Great Day To Forgive Yourself

Today Is A Great Day To Forgive Yourself

That stuff we carry around. And we’re all carrying stuff around. Even though we don’t have to. Yet, we do. Because we always have. It becomes a part of the story we tell ourselves.

It’s not a great story.

It starts with regret. What we did do, or, more often, what we didn’t do.

And while the regret hurts, what really hurts is how we treat ourself because of it.

We could have made a different choice and we will ruthlessly never allow ourselves to forget it. We can be quite cruel towards others, but don’t we tend to save the cruelest stuff for ourself?

I’ve had my share of regrets. I could probably teach a weekend workshop on the subject, including how to never let yourself get over it, how to mercilessly never let yourself off the hook no matter how many years ago it may have been.

Forgiveness of others is often easier than forgiveness of self.

Forgiveness of self requires two people. The person you are now and the person you were then. The person I am now can see that the person I was then did the best that he could at that time. The person I am now, a bit older and a bit wiser, is able to look back with a compassionate understanding and acceptance of the person I was then.

The person that I am today would be better served if I stopped beating down the person I used to be.

Forgiveness of self is perhaps the greatest example of unconditional love.

We all deserve to be loved unconditionally.

Especially from ourself.

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

The Happiness Contingencies Are Making You Unhappy

The Happiness Contingencies Are Making You Unhappy

“Then I’ll be happy.”

Nervously I stood in front the bathroom scale. Would today be the day? I’d been working to hit my weight goal. This could be the day.

Left foot. Then the right foot. The LED numbers spinning like a slot machine as the scale calculated my weight.

The numbers stopped.

Bingo!

I did it.

And, honestly, it was rather disappointing.

I finally decided (for at least the third time!) that I was going to shed a few pounds. The goal was to shed 40 of them. Through a rather unhealthy process of excessive exercise and excessively limiting total caloric intake, slowly the pounds came off. Over a period of a few months there was a bit less of me each week. And on the day I lost the last of those 40 pounds I was both happy and almost immediately not so happy.

I expected it to feel different.

Expectations have a way of doing that.

Sure, I had hit my goal. But my expectations were more than just hitting a number on the scale. I was expecting this accomplishment to make me happy. Like, acheiving this goal would somehow cure my nagging and ever-present feeling of unhappiness and emptiness. Like, this was supposed to change far more than the size of my jeans. But instead, I was the same unhappy and empty me that I’d always been, now just 40 pounds lighter.

For most of my life I was quite good at creating happiness contingencies. Those “I’ll be happy when…” parameters. Once the goal or a desired outcome was achieved, only then would I allow myself to be happy. The reality, though, even with the goal attained, I never really did allow myself to be happy.

There was still more work to do.

Sure, I won a battle but I still needed to finish the war. No matter how well I performed in my work life or personal life there would be very little space for joy celebrating my success. There was simply more work to do. No time to rest, Peter. No time to be happy. The war continued on.

Maybe you can relate?

“I’ll be happy when…” is ever elusive. Because you never quite get to happy. It’s a never ending cycle. I didn’t enjoy my weight loss progress. Instead of being happy when I lost the first 10 pounds, my focus was on the 30 pounds still to go.

There was still more work to do.

What happiness contingencies do set in your life? What are you waiting for to happen before you’ll allow yourself to be happy?

My journey has taught me that happiness doesn’t need to be contingent upon an outcome. It can simply be a decision to find joy in the process, a decision to celebrate the individual steps of the journey. It doesn’t mean life is always happy, but removing such restrictive parameters on happiness has allowed me to experience far more of it.

Life gives us many reasons to simply celebrate life itself. And when you learn to celebrate the magnificence of your own existence, you’ll allow yourself to find an endless reservoir of things to be happy about right now.

No contingencies need.

I’ll be happy when…

I decide to be.

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash