The Happiness Contingencies Are Making You Unhappy

“Then I’ll be happy.”

Nervously I stood in front the bathroom scale. Would today be the day? I’d been working to hit my weight goal. This could be the day.

Left foot. Then the right foot. The LED numbers spinning like a slot machine as the scale calculated my weight.

The numbers stopped.

Bingo!

I did it.

And, honestly, it was rather disappointing.

I finally decided (for at least the third time!) that I was going to shed a few pounds. The goal was to shed 40 of them. Through a rather unhealthy process of excessive exercise and excessively limiting total caloric intake, slowly the pounds came off. Over a period of a few months there was a bit less of me each week. And on the day I lost the last of those 40 pounds I was both happy and almost immediately not so happy.

I expected it to feel different.

Expectations have a way of doing that.

Sure, I had hit my goal. But my expectations were more than just hitting a number on the scale. I was expecting this accomplishment to make me happy. Like, acheiving this goal would somehow cure my nagging and ever-present feeling of unhappiness and emptiness. Like, this was supposed to change far more than the size of my jeans. But instead, I was the same unhappy and empty me that I’d always been, now just 40 pounds lighter.

For most of my life I was quite good at creating happiness contingencies. Those “I’ll be happy when…” parameters. Once the goal or a desired outcome was achieved, only then would I allow myself to be happy. The reality, though, even with the goal attained, I never really did allow myself to be happy.

There was still more work to do.

Sure, I won a battle but I still needed to finish the war. No matter how well I performed in my work life or personal life there would be very little space for joy celebrating my success. There was simply more work to do. No time to rest, Peter. No time to be happy. The war continued on.

Maybe you can relate?

“I’ll be happy when…” is ever elusive. Because you never quite get to happy. It’s a never ending cycle. I didn’t enjoy my weight loss progress. Instead of being happy when I lost the first 10 pounds, my focus was on the 30 pounds still to go.

There was still more work to do.

What happiness contingencies do set in your life? What are you waiting for to happen before you’ll allow yourself to be happy?

My journey has taught me that happiness doesn’t need to be contingent upon an outcome. It can simply be a decision to find joy in the process, a decision to celebrate the individual steps of the journey. It doesn’t mean life is always happy, but removing such restrictive parameters on happiness has allowed me to experience far more of it.

Life gives us many reasons to simply celebrate life itself. And when you learn to celebrate the magnificence of your own existence, you’ll allow yourself to find an endless reservoir of things to be happy about right now.

No contingencies need.

I’ll be happy when…

I decide to be.

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

The Inheritance of Limitation

“So much for going for a small role, huh Dad?”

Her face was fully aglow from the brightness of the iPhone as she read the email. And in an instant the size of her eyes doubled.

She got the part.

My daughter auditioned for a rather important part in her school’s drama club performance of “Willy Wonka”. This being her first year in this new school, she would be competing with seasoned students, more well-known to those who make the ultimate decision as to who gets selected for the roles. And since she has never been in a school play before, I had actually tried to convince her to try out for a smaller, less visible role.

Something safer.

She didn’t quite see it that way.

One of the countless joys of being around my daughter is her blissful enthusiasm. Continue reading “The Inheritance of Limitation” →

What Are You Not Willing To Allow Into Your Life?

Perhaps you’ve seen them as well?

Each morning my travels take me on the same stretch of open road. Recently, the all too familiar view was changed dramatically with the addition of four wind turbines.

Their close proximity to the road allowed me to strain my neck as I looked upwards to see how tall these massive structures actually were. These things are huge!

Most times I drive by these majestic towers they stand motionless, their blades outstretched, patiently awaiting the wind. Windmills would never know when the winds will blow, but yet they stand readily prepared to tap into the flow of the abundance, always available to receive that which they were created to receive.

We all share some similar characteristics with wind turbines. These turbines are technological marvels, precisely engineered, purposefully and intentionally located Continue reading “What Are You Not Willing To Allow Into Your Life?” →

Flowers, Weeds, and the Joy of Regret

“Why not change the world?”

This was the first slide of the presentation as we began the college tour. With each slide the university showcased it’s long history of how by creating of a curriculum and environment of innovation and excellence their students had, indeed, changed the world.

When I graduated from high school, I never went on a college tour. I was lucky to get accepted into a community college where no one was talking about changing anything, let alone changing the world.

As the presentation continued, I found myself wondering if the students in the tour group understood how huge of an opportunity this was. I know I surely saw it, wishing Continue reading “Flowers, Weeds, and the Joy of Regret” →

Have You Ever Thought About What You Are Thinking?

The young boy at the carnival looked confused. He was expecting his prize at the end of the ring toss game. But the prize was not forthcoming. Though unsuccessful in his attempt, he was told there’s a winner every time. Perplexed, the boy confronted the game operator. The unscrupulous response: “Yes, kid, there is a winner every time…and most of the time it’s me.”

Winning is an outcome, a result. Some days the results go our way and some days they don’t. Regardless of the result, an outcome has been determined and a winner has been crowned.

Life is full of outcomes, and while we focus on the larger wins and losses in life, one area which produces thousands of outcomes each day and so greatly impacts us is so often overlooked:

Our thoughts.

Every thought we have produces an outcome. The thoughts we have each day either Continue reading “Have You Ever Thought About What You Are Thinking?” →

Are You Feeding The Stray Dogs of Doubt?

They show up all the time, don’t they?

You know, those nagging thoughts of doubt, weakness, and unworthiness. Like stray dogs who keep showing up looking to be fed.

Because we just keep feeding them.

Minds, like stray dogs, habitually know where to go. It’s a matter of training and conditioning, and we’ve spent a lifetime training and conditioning our minds to respond to life’s challenges the way we do.

This can be either good or bad, depending on the thoughts we keep feeding.

Our thoughts are really an extension of what our expectations are for ourselves in any given moment. Those who expect good things will usually find them, while those who don’t expect things to go their way are usually never surprised when they don’t.

Certainly, our life experience greatly impacts our expectations. But the most powerful Continue reading “Are You Feeding The Stray Dogs of Doubt?” →

The Surprising Benefits of Thinking Like A Tree

When I grow up I want to be a tree.

Why?

Trees, simply, grow.

Trees live up to their potential. Everyday. They fully expand and become all they were created to be. Because trees never work against themselves. The don’t fill themselves with doubt or question their worthiness. They don’t complain about the quality of the soil they’re planted in. They don’t stress wondering what will happen if there isn’t as much rain as last year. Trees never look at other trees with jealousy or envy, the short trees never wishing they were taller, the wide-trunked trees never wishing they were thinner.

Trees never work against themselves.

Continue reading “The Surprising Benefits of Thinking Like A Tree” →

Expecting Green To Be Blue

Funny how most of the important parts of our lives don’t come with any instructions. But buy a $10 toaster and inside the box you’ll find an owner’s manual with detailed instructions on how to turn soft room temperature bread into warm crusty bread. Usually this information is translated into several different languages, ensuring that a language barrier will never prevent any one from enjoying the simple pleasures of toast.

As much as I enjoy toast and the science and technology behind it, I’d like to think that a troubleshooting guide to life’s deeper questions would be far more valuable than figuring out how to get my bread to toast a little lighter.

Life, and all the questions that come along with it, is just one of those things you have to figure out on your own.

Perhaps life is just far too complicated to have all its mysteries resolved by following a few simple steps. And since no two of us are Continue reading “Expecting Green To Be Blue” →

And So, Too, The Expectation of Spring

In my weaker moments all I see is the ugliness left behind. Cold. Colorless. This winter here in New England has been relentless, with many questioning if will ever end.

Patience and faith, though, can get you through most anything.

This week I went out for my first run of the year. We caught a few hours of sunshine and some warmth and I figured I better take advantage of it. It felt like Spring was on it’s way, the sun on my face blinding me to the dirty and melting snow banks bordering both sides of the road. This day was a glimpse of what lies ahead.

Like all seasons, Spring is predictable. It’s going to arrive. But to get to Spring you need to get through Winter first. Winter’s wrath can be somewhat tempered knowing that at some point Spring will be here and the ground now covered in white will eventually be green and lush. The season of grey will be overtaken by the vibrant colors of Spring. It happens every year.

THE INEVITABLE RENEWAL Life has it’s seasons as well. Seasons of light, seasons of darkness. Life’s seasons, though, are not conveniently marked on the calendar a year in advance. Far less predictable, life is. But what is needed during the times of our own personal winter is the faith and belief in knowing our own personal spring will eventually arrive. We need to reacquaint ourselves with the seasonal nature of our spiritual world and move forward with trust in our own rebirth and resurrection.

The cold, barren personal winters are never welcomed but when they do show up will often have something to teach us. How we handle our personal winter lets God know we are ready for our personal spring.

Looking through my window, I know in due time the 3 feet of snow will melt away and the melting process will in fact nurture the grass and trees and flowers with an abundance of water needed to help them flourish in the coming season. Each season pays it forward, providing an invaluable gift for the next one.

LOOKING BEYOND LOGIC How do you handle your own personal winters? Are the unwelcome barren and colorless times in your life met with thoughts of resentment, anger, and bitterness? For most of my life that was my conditioned response. Things were supposed to happen on my terms and time frame. My challenge was to look beyond what was right in front of me and to trust that the cyclical nature of seasons would once again guide me to where I really needed to be. Simple, yes, but not always easy.

My resentment, anger, and bitterness only served to prolong my resentment, anger, and bitterness. Not a great way to go through life no matter how justified the emotions may feel.

The snows of your personal winter will prepare your for your own lush green spring. Even if all you see right now is snow.

Patience and faith can get you through most anything.

And so, too, the expectation of Spring.

What are you expecting?

It’s a great day to be you!

The Inheritance of Expectations

So, what are you doing with your inheritance?

When we think of inheritance we tend to think of it in financial terms, money or property passed down from one generation to the next. Some of us may receive such a windfall, and others may never see a dime. All of us, though, will inherit something far greater than money, something which will more greatly impact the direction of our life.

Expectations.

Life tends to give us what we expect to get from it and our expectations usually never let us down. No one has a crystal ball, but our expectations Continue reading “The Inheritance of Expectations” →

Peter Mis LivingHalfFull.com

Lessons From A Life Unfolding

Tag: expectations