Making Space For The Hurt

I bet Mother’s Day has always sucked for Shawn and Zig.

Shawn and Zig were two friends I grew up with in the neighborhood. Both lost their Moms when they were quite young. They were old enough to understand what had happened, yet not quite old enough to understand why it happened.

I don’t think they’ve ever understood why, even all these decades later.

Their pain was never something they brought up. They just carried it with them, silently, as they bravely tried to move on with their forever-changed young lives. Time simply doesn’t heal wounds of this magnitude. You just learn to deal with it, in your own way, in your own time.

To look at them both you’d never know of the heaviness that was weighing them down, their pain undetectable to the uninitiated. But that’s kind of how we deal with our pains, isn’t it? Silently. Isolated. Our burden, ours alone to carry.

While pain may be visibly undetectable, life has taught me that the vast majority of us silently carry our own degree of pain and hurt just below the surface. Life certainly is a contact sport and we all have our scars and bruises inherent with simply being alive.

Everybody hurts.

Yet, do we make space for the hurt?

You’d think with the commonality of pain we all share we’d all be a bit more understanding. Since we do Continue reading “Making Space For The Hurt” →

Is It Safe For Me To Talk About Mental Health?

Life certainly has it’s share of pain, doesn’t it?

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month. One of the goals of NMHA Month is to hopefully provide a safe space for uncomfortable conversations around mental and emotional health. The unfortunate stigmas surrounding mental health often prevent any conversations from even getting started. That silence keeps us suffering…alone. Alone with the pain and the hurt and the anxiety and isolation we may be experiencing.

That silence, at times, can even end lives.

That’s how I lost my brother Steve.

As a man, I was taught to keep my emotions to myself. I think most men have been told or shown the same. Expressing emotions is a sign of weakness, they’d say. “Real” men simply “suck it up” or “deal with it” or are told to “man up”. Manhood and emotions don’t mix, I was told. Generational stigma often keeps us from even admitting that we are struggling, let alone actually seeking some help and guidance. And while I’ve only experienced this from my male perspective, mental health stigma is not gender specific.

Mental and emotional health challenges quietly impact every section of our society.

The silence perpetuates the stigma.

This stigma needs to end.

There are many of us dealing with the heaviness life sometimes forces us to carry…the loss, the anxiety, the uncertainty, the unhealed traumas, the emotional scars, the pressure, the unmet needs and Continue reading “Is It Safe For Me To Talk About Mental Health?” →

Creating A Safe Space To Not Like Yourself

Relationships are inherently full of challenges, aren’t they?

Including the one you have with yourself.

For much of my life my relationship with me wasn’t particularly healthy. Especially when I would set for myself some often unrealistic expectations and how falling short of them would trigger a disproportionately harsh response within, often bordering on abusive. If I could have filed emotional restraining orders against myself I would have.

My version of self love wasn’t very loving.

It wasn’t that long ago when I surprisingly called myself out for the way I was treating me. After a particularly intense episode of self rage, with a compassionate curiosity I asked myself why I was being so brutally hard on me. To that question I couldn’t find a valid reason. It was just something I habitually did, something I had experienced as a child and perpetuated as an adult. But asking myself “why” was the start of me changing my relationship with me for the better. Because there was no good reason for me to treat me the way I was.

In that moment, a process began.

Gone now is the harshness and the abuse, in time replaced with acceptance, compassion, patience, and encouragement.

A far more loving version of self love.

One paradox I discovered on the road to loving myself more was the need to create a safe space to not like myself. It’s an important space where I allow myself the room to be human. To be disappointed in Continue reading “Creating A Safe Space To Not Like Yourself” →

The Immeasurable Impact Of Teachers

We have what has grown into an annual tradition here in town. As with most things which have grown into traditions, it began quite organically. Some of the graduating high school seniors decided to revisit their elementary school and spend a few moments with some of their favorite teachers, some of which they hadn’t seen in at least eight years. Just to say hello. Just their way of stepping back into their past and with their physical presence saying thank you.

None of these kids went back because their teacher taught them about the order of operations when solving a math problem. Nor did they go back because their teacher drove into them that I comes before E except after C. They went back because these teachers moved them, inspired them, helped them grow through certain challenges. Because their teachers believed in them, encouraged them, and helped them to become more confident as both students and as individuals.

On a day designed for partying and celebrating, they went back and let their teachers know how much they mattered to them.

This is what impact looks like.

When others believe in us it helps us to believe in ourselves as well. What we believe about ourselves determines our sense of identity of who we accept ourselves to be. That accepted identity shapes every aspect of how we will experience life. Of our own sense of worth. Of our own sense of value. Of our own sense of what’s possible – or not – for us.

Identity impacts everything. We will become who it is we accept ourselves to be. Nothing more, nothing Continue reading “The Immeasurable Impact Of Teachers” →

Where Has All The Encouragement Gone?

Maybe it’s just easier to beat people down instead of building them up?

A friend of mine was having a conversation with her young neighbor. The young neighbor had grown frustrated with his inability to finish a project he had started. Inability, as in he didn’t think he could figure out how to do it. My friend mentioned to the neighbor that since he had already figured out how to get the project to this point she was certain that he’d be able to figure out what to do next. “You’ve gotten it this far, I’m sure you’ll be able to get it done. You’ve got this.”

Encouragement. It’s not something the young neighbor was too familiar with. “I can’t remember that last time anyone has told me they believed in me.”

Kind of sad.

I was raised by two loving parents. One was an optimistic encourager, the other a pessimistic pointer outer of what I did wrong. A bad grade on a school exam produced two distinctively different parental responses. While both were disappointed, one responded with a compassionate encouraging vibe of “I know you’ll do better next time” while the other grounded me and made sure I didn’t watch TV for a week. One left me feeling empowered, the other simply watered the seeds of doubt I’ve now been uprooting for years.

I prefer the encouragement, please.

I think we all do.

But where has all the encouragement gone?

For those who weren’t ever encouraged it’s often difficult to be encouraging. It goes against what they’ve known, of what they’ve experienced. Often our ability to be encouragers is passed down, almost genetically, like the color of our eyes.

Further putting the hurt on encouragement is society’s growing bias towards negativity. Reality shows, “news” outlets, political grandstanding, and to a great extent social media are all fertile breeding grounds of hate and tearing others down. Apparently it’s quite good for their business.

Kind of sad.

We often think of encouragement as something we do for our kids. Like it’s something that is eventually outgrown. But at what point in life do we ever truly outgrow the benefits of being encouraged? Or the need? We all carry within us our own personal heaviness, mostly unseen by others. Unseen, because it’s visibility we fear would make us appear weak. Especially us men. Our world is unkind to those perceived as weak, so we embrace the facade of strength. And the people we see as strong never need any encouragement, we tell ourselves, so none is ever offered.

Pick one day. One day to simply notice how much encouragement you witness. Listen. Observe. How much are we picking each other up? My experience of purposefully noticing the tone and content of conversations usually results in witnessing very little encouragement. But there are so many opportunities to do so.

We just need to decide to share some.

Even at my advanced age I still appreciate and benefit of words of encouragement. I’ve figured out a great deal about life, but that knowledge alone doesn’t always make life easy. Sometimes being the recipient of a few positive words can change my energy and move me forward.

Each day will present us with opportunities to offer words of encouragement to those we interact with. Friends, family, and strangers alike.

It’s also extremely impactful and important when we are interacting with our self.

In a world somewhat obsessed with the negative, we can offer a different voice, a voice of encouragement which will always create a more positive impact.

Closing the encouragement deficit starts with us.

Each of us.

Me. And you.

I know you can do it!

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

This One Assumption Can Save A Life

Thursday was a big day for Danielle.

11 months sober.

I didn’t even know sobriety was an issue for her.

You could feel both her pride and apprehension in her Facebook post informing her friends of her milestone. Apparently she’s been down this path before, she knows it’s something she is taking one step at a time.

It was great to see the love, support, and encouragement her friends posted in reply. Her replies to their posted comments indicated she, too, was quite happy for the love being sent her way.

Danielle bravely decided to publicly share her struggles with those in her social media world. Bravely, because our world tends to look down on struggle, leaving many of those who do struggle to struggle in silence, battling their own demons alone. Struggle often Continue reading “This One Assumption Can Save A Life” →

Embracing the Radical Idea of Unconditional Happiness

What if you just decided to be happy, right now, for no particular reason?

Certain things make us happy. That usually happens when the outside world meets or exceeds our expectations. Then we allow ourselves to be happy. Happiness becomes the result when our terms and conditions are met.

But what happens when the world around us lets us down?

Think about how a rainy day off from work makes you feel. We establish our expectations for what a “perfect” day off should be, and then the rain ruins everything. Our expectations are not met and our disappointment undermines our ability to be happy.

Why do we place so much of our capacity for happiness into the hands of the outside world of which we have zero control over?

Continue reading “Embracing the Radical Idea of Unconditional Happiness” →

Pondering The Power of Encouragement

I wasn’t sure he was going to make it. He was an elderly man attempting to complete today’s 5k race. His face and body were drained by the course, further impacted by the high heat and oppressive humidity. Many who had gathered on the side of the course began to shout words of encouragement as he fought his way to the finish line. He managed to share a little smile as he made the final turn on his way finishing the race.

There is a real sense of community surrounding organized road racing. Hundreds of people, from kids to grandparents, with hours of training mostly in solitude come together and turn 3.1 miles into more of a celebration of the common bond they all share. One defining Continue reading “Pondering The Power of Encouragement” →

Expecting Green To Be Blue

Funny how most of the important parts of our lives don’t come with any instructions. But buy a $10 toaster and inside the box you’ll find an owner’s manual with detailed instructions on how to turn soft room temperature bread into warm crusty bread. Usually this information is translated into several different languages, ensuring that a language barrier will never prevent any one from enjoying the simple pleasures of toast.

As much as I enjoy toast and the science and technology behind it, I’d like to think that a troubleshooting guide to life’s deeper questions would be far more valuable than figuring out how to get my bread to toast a little lighter.

Life, and all the questions that come along with it, is just one of those things you have to figure out on your own.

Perhaps life is just far too complicated to have all its mysteries resolved by following a few simple steps. And since no two of us are Continue reading “Expecting Green To Be Blue” →

Why You Really Need To Hug Your Toaster

Perhaps your toaster is trying to tell you something?

I never think about my toaster. Even when I’m plugging it in. Even when I’m putting my English muffins into the over-sized slots. I never think about my toaster.

My toaster is just sitting there on the counter. It’s always been on my counter. Probably always will be, too. It’s just one of those props on the set of my mornings, just like the coffee maker and the can opener.

My relationship with my toaster is decidedly one-sided. It’s always been about what the toaster can do for me. White, wheat, or Continue reading “Why You Really Need To Hug Your Toaster” →

Peter Mis LivingHalfFull.com

Lessons From A Life Unfolding

Tag: encouragement