You Don’t Owe Yourself An Apology For Being You

Sometimes he shows up unexpectedly. Usually in the form of an unwelcome reference in an unwelcome conversation.

I had to live with him for years. He clung to me always, virtually inseparable. It wasn’t a particularly good relationship, either. Contentious, at times even emotionally abusive. I often didn’t live up to his expectations and I’d be relentlessly reminded each time I failed to do so.

But now he’s dead.

And I don’t miss him.

They never published an obituary in the newspaper for the person I used to be. The tormentor, the self-abuser, the one who did all he could to keep me exactly where I didn’t want to be. 

It was a long, often painful passing, a slow transition from one life of familiar limitation and lack evolving into a newer version of me empowered by opportunity and abundance. 

Yet every so often I’m reminded of who I was when I wasn’t who I wanted to be. Sometimes those unearthed memories trigger a return to that time defined by the self-loathing and anger I would habitually throw at myself. The tendency was to explain or somehow justify and defend this less-than-ideal version of me. To others and to myself. 

I don’t owe myself an apology for being me.

I am here. And the way here has been a meandering journey of extensive self-exploration and discovery. Of detours and dead ends, bloodied and bruised in the process. Deep emotional dives are never linear nor pleasant. I’m grateful for who I used to be, for the path I’ve walked because that path has lead me here where I’ve been able to outgrow the inner hostilities and embrace my evolution with compassion, love, and even patience.

It’s been a long journey for all of us. We’ve grown and evolved and we continue to grow and evolve. Who we’ve been is no longer who we are today. We can choose to lament what we feel we did wrong and define our tomorrows by our yesterdays, or we can focus on how far we’ve come and create a safe space for us to continue to grow forward.

You’re not who you used to be, either.

No need to apologize for, to justify, or to defend the person you used to be to anyone.

Especially yourself.

Photo by Lisa Foster on Unsplash