Your Self Hatred Would Like To Have A Word With You

It’s the one relative we all hate.

The one who always shows up during life’s more challenging moments. The one who is always there to remind you of all the things you don’t like about yourself. The one who will remind you that it didn’t work out because it’s never supposed to work out for you.

We never actually see this relative. But we know the far too familiar voice living rent free in our heads.

The Inner Critic.

I’d have to say of the vast majority of those closest to me, none are as consistently there for me like my Inner Critic. In my moments of doubt and uncertainty, the Inner Critic is always right there to flawlessly reinforce any of the negativity I may be experiencing. It’s a loyalty unlike any other.

For years I’d work to minimize my Inner Critic, angrily trying to suppress that relentless voice. The Inner Critic was unfazed by my hostility. It had a job to do and it was going to get that job done regardless of the feeling I had towards it.

It always owned me. Until one day I asked “why?”.

After a particularly brutal assault, I engaged in an unexpected conversation with the me which continued to work against me. Frustrated, I asked for some answers. Why was I being so hard Continue reading “Your Self Hatred Would Like To Have A Word With You” →

Learning How To Love Each Other

I guess that makes me a killer?

A year ago I found myself wandering aimlessly on Main Street in Catskill, New York. It was a trip with some upstate friends I hadn’t seen in quite a while and we spent the day reconnecting in this village on the Hudson River. Main Street is home to a collection of funky little shops and restaurants, and it was in one of these funky little shops where I first saw her. I turned my head and there she was.

A bonsai tree.

I know nothing about bonsai trees, but this one just called me to it. I was immediately struck by its asymmetrical shape, sort of like an inverted Nike logo, as if its branches were silently flowing in the breeze. For just $35 I could take her home. In that moment I became a bonsai tree owner, envisioning myself as some sort of Zen master meticulously and intentionally caring for this little tree.

My Zen master vision not withstanding, a year later the vibrant and green bonsai tree I brought home with me is now brittle and brown. There is no life left in its branches and bark.

I thought I new how to take care of plants. How hard could it be? Water and sunshine, repeating as necessary. Apparently the needs of this bonsai tree were different than I assumed them to be. My indifference to its specific needs resulted in the demise of this beautiful tree.

I never made much effort to learn how to properly care for a bonsai tree. I didn’t think I needed to. I never asked specifically what I would need to do to keep this little tree vibrant and lush. Instead of seeking to understand what was needed from me in this relationship, I simply applied my assumptions as to what it would take to position this tree to thrive and grow.

My assumptions were wrong, and the bonsai is dead.

Had I bothered to do just a little bit of investigating as to what I would need to do to properly feed and care for this tree, the tree would still be alive. Continue reading “Learning How To Love Each Other” →

When There’s Nothing To Look Forward To

The future has always been a utopian distraction from the present. The future is where hopes and dreams and aspirations all reside, a perfect escape from the mundane nature of where we can find ourselves right now.

But what if there was nothing to look forward to?

Could I be at peace, at least for a moment, if all there was in my life was that which was already around me?

I’ve been a runner most of my life, running from what was towards what I wanted it to be, only to be consistently disappointed when I got there. Undeterred, I’d then find something else to run toward, convinced that this time would be different while intuitively knowing the disappointment would be waiting for me when I got there.

And it always was.

You can never outrun the present moment, no matter how good you are at running.

When we’re focused solely on the future we do so at the expense of the present. When our Continue reading “When There’s Nothing To Look Forward To” →

I Found Your Broken Heart On The Beach

You’d think with all the miles I’ve walked on beaches over the years this would have happened sooner.

But there it was, at my feet.

A heart-shaped stone.

I’ve jealously seen a great many heart-shaped stones posted on social media, many from beaches I’ve actually walked on. Yet never had I seen one in real life. But there it was.

And it was broken.

The symmetrical shape of the symbol we equate with love wasn’t quite perfectly symmetrical. A small section on the upper left side had broken off, the roughness of the break contrasted against the weathered rounded and smoothed surface of the rest of the stone.

I found a broken heart on the beach.

This broken heart got me to thinking about the symbolism it may contain. Was there some significance in such a find? Was there a particular message or lesson behind me being in the right place at the right time to discover a fractured heart right in front of me?

A broken stone heart is easily seen. A human broken heart is much more difficult to see, the fractures and pain concealed within, with facades of smiles and laughter concealing the hurt even further.

Most of us with some years behind us carry within our own asymmetrical heart, a heart fractured and broken by the impact of simply being human, of simply being alive. Maybe finding this broken heart was to remind me that while broken hearts, specifically the human ones, can never be perfectly fixed, they can be cared for with love, kindness, patience, and understanding.

Hurt is universal.

So, too, is our capacity to respond with compassion.

Towards your heart.

And mine.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

When You Change The Way You Look At Things…

You’d probably like Jeff. He’s really cool. Multi-talented and creative, he is in the middle of a project he created for himself in which he takes a daily photograph of a light house not too far from his home.

As of today, he has posted his photos for 81 consecutive days on social media. He has a great eye for photo composition, which is critical if you’re committed to photographing the exact same subject for 365 days and hope to not become redundant.

I don’t know why he’s doing this, but I’m glad he is. It’s become something I look forward to daily.

His commitment to this project forces him to look at this one light house from many different vantage points. He is quite open to seeing this one subject from up high, down low, at sunrise, at sunset, through clouds or fog. There is not one “right” photograph of this light house. At year’s end, when his project is completed, Jeff will know this light house rather intimately.

When we can see something from several different angles, we gain a tremendous understanding of exactly what it is we are looking at.

This works well with light houses.

And with people, too.

Sometimes we only see in people what we’ve habitually always seen. Sometimes what we see is based in part on assumptions we’ve created or inherited. But when we are willing to explore and see people from unfamiliar perspectives we gain a much more complete understand of who is really in front of us. When we are able to understand more about people whose views of and experiences in the world may be different from our own we are in a much better position to create a more inclusive environment in which all can coexist and thrive.

Maybe there’s more to be seen in the people we habitually see?

There always is.

If you decide to look.

It’s a great day to be you!

Maybe Your Truth Is What’s Holding You Back?

“Someday I’m gonna climb that mountain.”

It’s 1992 and I’m on my way to Keene, New Hampshire for the first time. As I approached from south of the city I caught my first glimpse of Mount Monadnock. It’s not a huge mountain, but it was the tallest one in southwestern New Hampshire. That’s when I announced I’d be climbing that mountain some day.

And I finally did.

26 years later.

Self-promises and bold declarations are easy to make. But for me, at times, life has been far more talk than actually doing. Years went by as I continued to travel Rte 12, always glancing at the big mass of granite and trees, reminding myself that I’d climb that mountain some day.

Someday.

After my last birthday I began questioning many things in my life. When you realize you’ve had more birthdays than you’re gonna have your relationship with time changes. With that fresh perspective I decided to gently challenge myself and the collection of things I’d thrown into the rather thick “Someday” file. I wanted to look at each one and decide if it stays or if it goes. And if it stays, when was I actually going to do what I told myself I was going to do? Continue reading “Maybe Your Truth Is What’s Holding You Back?” →

The Modern Guide for Hating Other Humans

Hate needs a makeover.

I’m not a big fan of hate. Or of hateful people. But out of fairness, as a society we haven’t done a great job teaching people the proper way to hate others, have we?

None of us are born haters. Hate is something we learn rather informally, often influenced by those who guide us though our formative years. The people who teach us how to hate have no course syllabus or Powerpoint presentations to ensure we are doing it the “right” way. Rather, we become unsuspecting apprentices, watching and listening to the actions and words of those who we look up to and someday hope to make proud. Hate can be passed from one generation to the next just as easily as the color of someone’s eyes. Continue reading “The Modern Guide for Hating Other Humans” →

Random Acts of Blindness

Until you understand their pain, you will never understand the person. Without such understanding, the truth is inevitably distorted, and our expectations of others are flawed from the very beginning.

Understanding another’s pain is itself a flawed concept. To truly know pain you must own it. No matter their best intentions, no one else will ever know exactly how you feel. But what needs to be understood is that there is pain in all of us, the emotional dents and dings collected on life’s journey.

We judge others by what we see in front of us. Actions and attitudes not meeting our expectations are often met with harshness and disdain. A logical response in the mind of many. But what if we Continue reading “Random Acts of Blindness” →

Life Lessons from Peanut Butter and Jelly

Culinary soul mates?

One of my many duties as a father of three school aged kids is that of the official sandwich maker. Most every morning I can be found standing over slices of bread, mindlessly configuring slices of ham, turkey, or olive loaf with American cheese and yellow mustard. Or if Dad didn’t get to the supermarket to pick up some deli meat, there’s always Plan B, also known as Peanut Butter and Jelly.

I guess I could have kept track of exactly how many sandwiches I’ve made in my role as official sandwich maker, but the morning usually never affords me the time to sit down and update a spreadsheet. But I wish I had a dollar for every sandwich I’ve made over the years.

PROFOUND A recent Plan B morning, it was time to make some PB & J’s. As I was about to unite the individual slices of wheat bread, one coated with a layer of peanut butter and the other coated with a layer of jelly, I stopped for a moment as I surprisingly realized something rather profound:

Peanut Butter doesn’t need Jelly. Continue reading “Life Lessons from Peanut Butter and Jelly” →

Peter Mis LivingHalfFull.com

Lessons From A Life Unfolding

Tag: understanding