8,600 Days Of Sobriety

It was like losing an old friend. Consistent. Reliable. Predictable. I recognized the arrangement had grown quite toxic, a toxicity I simply accepted as a fundamental cornerstone of the relationship for far longer than I should have. 

Alcohol. A trusted companion which always took me exactly where I thought I wanted to go. 

Until I no longer wanted to go there.

This week an important milestone snuck up on me. I had gone 8,600 days without alcohol. A month-long beer binge in December 2000 had pushed me to the point where I knew I needed to stop, at least temporarily. Honestly, the real challenge was seeing if I actually could. Now, over 23 years later, I guess I was able to definitively answer that question.

I never intended to quit drinking. I was simply taking a break, a longer break than usual. For several years prior I had given up beer for Lent, not for any religious purposes, but as a test to see if I could go 40 days without it. My abstinence would start earlier in 2001, six weeks ahead of Lent.

It wasn’t easy. Once my body recovered from what I had done to it in December, it was ready for more. And it wasn’t happy when I told it no. This temporary abstinence was a personal challenge and honestly I was deeply afraid I would fail. Established habits are powerful forces in life, even if those habits don’t serve you.

As I gained some traction with sobriety, I started to wonder how long I could actually keep it up. I’d always taken comfort in knowing Lent would end after 40 days and I’d then be free to go back to my usual intoxicated ways. After all, I never said I was quitting, right?

But this extended Lenten season would be different. The clarity of sobriety created a space of introspection, a space where I began to question my relationship with alcohol. I knew why I was drinking as much as I was, but I also knew the the pains alcohol was masking were never going to go away until I had a clear space to address them. Perhaps this was my chance?

I grew a bit anxious as the end of Lent approached. The commitment I made to myself was expiring soon, and I’d be free to return to my drinking ways if I chose to. In a moment of emotional appeasement, I told myself if I could think of a valid reason to re-start drinking then I would do so after Lent ended.

In the 23 years since that inner conversation, I’ve never been able to find one.

At some point, I simply stopped looking.

Alcohol was an unintended demon. It had become an ever-present part of me. A liquid escape from the doubts and fears and insecurities which were also an ever-present part of me. This extended break from alcohol provided me with a foothold of solid ground where I was able to look deeper at my life and the role alcohol had come to play in it. Clarity has its own addictive properties, and at that point in my life clarity had became far more important than alcohol.

I had stuff to work through. Deep stuff, which required me to be a fully present and sober me if I wanted to work through the things which made alcohol the necessity it had become for so many years. 

Clarity creates a beautiful space where you can compassionately sit with your ugliness. I’d finally gotten to the point where working through my issues was more important than masking them. Sobriety was foundational in me having the courage to begin a yet-to-be finished process of self discovery and self acceptance.

I would not have grown into who I am today had alcohol remained in my life.

I’ve never official quit drinking. Had I made such a bold pronouncement those many years ago I am certain the pressure of such a declaration would have doomed me from the start. Alcohol was part of my identity, and attempts to radically alter my sense of identity had always failed. I had the capacity to take a break, which became a longer break, which has become a much longer break. Not quite one day at a time, but the same level of intentionality. 

In time, my identity was greatly altered when it relates to alcohol. I simply don’t drink. And I know why I don’t. And I don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why.

“Pain pushed until vision pulls” is a powerfully insightful quote from Michael Beckwith. For years my unhealed pains and traumas pushed me to a place where the best I felt I could do was to mask them, to attempt to neutralize their impact. Alcohol was a convenient agent to do so. In time, with the clarity of sobriety, the vision of a life I wanted to grow into, a life on some level I knew I was created to live and experience, became the most important driving force in my life, pulling me forward into my future and enabling me to begin discarding those parts of me which were not aligned with the life I intended to create. Alcohol simply had no place in the life of this new version of me.

Vision and self identity are impactful forces. The clarity of sobriety allowed me the opportunity to see who I was and where I was in life. It also allowed me the opportunity to decide who I wanted to become and where I wanted to go in life. I know I made the right decision for me.

I’m no expert on addiction or sobriety. This is simply my story of a life resurrected, refocused, and redirected. It’s been full of challenges, especially when working through the behaviors and mindsets that got me here in the first place. But without sobriety, I’d never have had the courage to compassionately address the the root cause of my silent self destruction.

May we all find our own space where we can heal what needs to be healed.

Photo by Jason Strull on Unsplash