Your Self Hatred Would Like To Have A Word With You

It’s the one relative we all hate.

The one who always shows up during life’s more challenging moments. The one who is always there to remind you of all the things you don’t like about yourself. The one who will remind you that it didn’t work out because it’s never supposed to work out for you.

We never actually see this relative. But we know the far too familiar voice living rent free in our heads.

The Inner Critic.

I’d have to say of the vast majority of those closest to me, none are as consistently there for me like my Inner Critic. In my moments of doubt and uncertainty, the Inner Critic is always right there to flawlessly reinforce any of the negativity I may be experiencing. It’s a loyalty unlike any other.

For years I’d work to minimize my Inner Critic, angrily trying to suppress that relentless voice. The Inner Critic was unfazed by my hostility. It had a job to do and it was going to get that job done regardless of the feeling I had towards it.

It always owned me. Until one day I asked “why?”.

After a particularly brutal assault, I engaged in an unexpected conversation with the me which continued to work against me. Frustrated, I asked for some answers. Why was I being so hard Continue reading “Your Self Hatred Would Like To Have A Word With You” →

Are You Waiting To Be Chosen?

“If you’re surrendering your uniqueness for acceptance, you are only existing and not living.” – Erwin McManus

It’s a scorching hot day in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. July, 1990. The two captains were evaluating their options as they picked their teams for an impromptu game of beach volleyball. Each made their picks, and with the very last pick I was all one of the captains had left to choose from.

At my height I was quite surprised that neither captain saw the value I could bring to their team. I mean, height and volleyball usually work quite well together. I expected to be selected much sooner in the process, and with each pick that was made that wasn’t me the more annoyed and aggravated I became.

Unmet expectations often do that, don’t they? I mean, hell, I knew what I could bring to either team and when others didn’t have the same expectations for me I had for myself it really started to infuriate me. It was just a random beach volleyball game in the Caribbean, a perfect time to just chill and have some fun, yet instead of being happy I became anything but.

Nobody wants to be picked last. We all want to be chosen, to be seen and heard and appreciated, not to feel like someone’s only option. Being chosen brings with it a level of Continue reading “Are You Waiting To Be Chosen?” →

When The Truth Won’t Leave You Alone

Sometimes I’m reminded that I shouldn’t quit my day job.

The ceiling looked great. It hadn’t been painted in many years and until I rolled on the fresh coat of paint I didn’t realize how dingy and dull the ceiling had become. Painting the ceiling was the final step of a weekend project which took far more weekends to complete than I expected. But it was done.

Until it wasn’t.

A previous “weekend project” involved replacing some of the rotting trim boards that were original to the house. Apparently while fixing the trim boards I had unknowingly dislodged a few shingles in the process. A brief but intense wind-driven rain passed through our area and, like water always does, the water found its way through those dislodged shingles and into the house staining my freshly painted living room ceiling.

As a handyman homeowner I’ve come to appreciated the persistent nature of water. If there is a way for water to get into a space it always seems to find a way to do so. Water is quite good at getting my attention.

And so is the Truth.

The Truth, as in the acceptance of the reality of certain situations I’ve gotten quite good at repressing.

Like water, the Truth is very persistent. Like water, it’s also quite good at getting my attention, often showing up in the forms of frustration and disappointment, of unwanted outcomes and unmet expectations, often prompting me to confront those repressed realities no matter how Continue reading “When The Truth Won’t Leave You Alone” →

The Perfect Place To Be Annoyed

There are days when even I don’t like being around me.

Today is one of those days.

It’s been a busy stretch of late. Personal and professional obligations have outpaced my capacity to properly fuel my ability to take care of them. Quality sleep and quality nutrition have been the collateral damage in my attempt to balance all that needs to be balanced.

I’m annoyed, easily agitated, a bit overwhelmed, and I don’t see any upcoming breaks in the schedule where I’ll be able to catch my breath.

I’m not good at being miserable.

But here I am, trying not to splatter my misery upon those around me.

For me, one of the best parts about being miserable is being able to step back and notice that I Continue reading “The Perfect Place To Be Annoyed” →

The Clarity Of Impermanence

I hadn’t seen Steve in quite a while. We grew up in the same neighborhood, a bunch of us kids enamored with hockey and The Three Stooges. We all knew him as Zig, a nickname my older brother had endowed upon him. I never asked why. Life eventually took all of us in different directions until the unexpected reunion of us neighborhood kids at Steve’s wake.

Losing a friend hits differently. I’ve lost both of my parents, and as painful as their passings were and at times continue to be, I’ve come to accept the inevitable progression of children eventually burying their parents. But there is no natural expected progression when losing someone your own age.

Seeing Steve for the last time brought back a plethora of happy memories of my childhood. I could see all of us again as we once were.

And now one of us was no longer here.

There was a sense of randomness about his passing. As if it could have been any one of us who was no longer here. It was in that randomness I felt the uncomfortable presence of Continue reading “The Clarity Of Impermanence” →

Know Yourself To Grow Yourself

All I heard was nothing.

Recently I discovered a rather interesting piece of music which contained absolutely zero music.

None.

It was composed by an American avant-garde composer John Cage, it’s initial performance in 1952. The title of this work is “4:33” as in 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Of silence. Of musicians seated and poised on stage simply silent and still for the next four and a half minutes.

The true music of this piece, according to Cage, is in the ambient noises found in the silence. Primarily noises from an uneasy audience not knowing what to do in the unconventional absence of sound.

An imaginative use of silence.

Silence can be uncomfortable, often labeled as awkward. And while silence has at times been both uncomfortable and awkward for me, silence has also been a transformative portal for my own inner growth and understanding.

Sitting in my own silence, I get to hear the not-so-ambient noises within me. I get to hear the Continue reading “Know Yourself To Grow Yourself” →

Gratitude Is The New Caffeine

I do admit I miss the jolt.

It was like zero to sixty in just a few sips.

I could always count on my morning indulgence of caffeine to quickly get me into an elevated state. Something would shift in me, turning me from sedan to sports car with the greatest of ease.

My relationship with moderation can be, at times, challenging, with indulgences quite capable of morphing into over indulgences. Caffeine was no exception, which is the main reason why I go to great lengths to now avoid it.

I give caffeine a great deal of credit in its ability to awaken a daily dormant version of me, changing my subdued inner perspective to one of enthusiasm and possibility. But I would now need to find a different source of fuel to ignite me in the morning.

My new beverage of choice is gratitude.

Sometimes I forget about gratitude. In my ever busy world surrounded by an abundance of blessings I Continue reading “Gratitude Is The New Caffeine” →

Mindfulness And Those Annoying Little Gelato Spoons

Thursday night. Old Town, Alexandria, VA. Our whirlwind trip to Washington, DC took us across the Potomac in search of a quick bite to eat as we prepared to head back north to our next destination.

We had packed quite a bit into a few days, and a relaxing dinner took us out of tourist mode for a little while. Sometimes vacations take on the same intensity vacations are supposed to take you away from. We managed to hit everything on the wish list, but we were always aware of where we were on our schedule.

After dinner we stumbled upon a small gelato shop. As an avid frozen treat consumer, stopping in was the easiest decision of the trip. After trying a few flavor samples, I settled upon the pistachio.

I’ve shed a great many less-than-healthy food vices in my lifetime. I’ve come to realize over the years the real issue for me, though, has less to do with the actual vice and more to do with my relationship with moderation. Cookies, donuts, alcohol, and caffeine were never ingested with moderation. If it was worth doing, it was worth over doing.

Especially when it came to frozen treats.

In my hand was a small cup of pistachio gelato. In my other hand was one of those annoyingly small plastic gelato spoons. As someone with a proven track record of over indulgence, the annoyingly small size of this spoon made over indulgence a substantial challenge for me.

Maybe that was the whole point?

As an over indulger, it’s always about the next bite. I’m sure the current bite is quite good, but honestly I usually never take the time to notice. The focus is on what’s next instead of what’s now. Continue reading “Mindfulness And Those Annoying Little Gelato Spoons” →

Self Compassion Looks Good On You

Mom told us the day was coming, the day we would all stand before our Creator and be held accountable for the way we lived our lives. Awaiting us all will be either a stairway to heaven or a highway to hell.

Judgment Day. The ultimate exit interview. “Heaven or hell? What will it be?”

Many of us need not stand before our Creator at the end of our lives in order to be judged.

We already do this. To ourself.

And we can make our life a living hell in the process.

In a world which can be quite cruel at times, we, too, can be just as cruel. To ourself. Because we know who we really are, don’t we? We know our flaws and shortcomings better than anyone, and no matter how well we may hide them from the rest of the world, we will never be able to hide them from ourself.

And there is so much to judge, isn’t there? Our appearance, our weight, what we haven’t accomplished, what we haven’t become, what we drive, where we live, what we earn, the expectations we’ve not lived up to, both our own or the expectations of others. There is always something we’re falling short of if we just look a little deeper.

We can become quite good at paving our own highway to inner hell.

Sometimes we find ourselves embracing habitual patterns of our own emotional self-destruction without ever knowing why we do so. Sometimes we do so because we’ve simply Continue reading “Self Compassion Looks Good On You” →

When There’s Nothing To Look Forward To

The future has always been a utopian distraction from the present. The future is where hopes and dreams and aspirations all reside, a perfect escape from the mundane nature of where we can find ourselves right now.

But what if there was nothing to look forward to?

Could I be at peace, at least for a moment, if all there was in my life was that which was already around me?

I’ve been a runner most of my life, running from what was towards what I wanted it to be, only to be consistently disappointed when I got there. Undeterred, I’d then find something else to run toward, convinced that this time would be different while intuitively knowing the disappointment would be waiting for me when I got there.

And it always was.

You can never outrun the present moment, no matter how good you are at running.

When we’re focused solely on the future we do so at the expense of the present. When our Continue reading “When There’s Nothing To Look Forward To” →

Peter Mis LivingHalfFull.com

Lessons From A Life Unfolding

Tag: mindfulness