Your Self Hatred Would Like To Have A Word With You

It’s the one relative we all hate.

The one who always shows up during life’s more challenging moments. The one who is always there to remind you of all the things you don’t like about yourself. The one who will remind you that it didn’t work out because it’s never supposed to work out for you.

We never actually see this relative. But we know the far too familiar voice living rent free in our heads.

The Inner Critic.

I’d have to say of the vast majority of those closest to me, none are as consistently there for me like my Inner Critic. In my moments of doubt and uncertainty, the Inner Critic is always right there to flawlessly reinforce any of the negativity I may be experiencing. It’s a loyalty unlike any other.

For years I’d work to minimize my Inner Critic, angrily trying to suppress that relentless voice. The Inner Critic was unfazed by my hostility. It had a job to do and it was going to get that job done regardless of the feeling I had towards it.

It always owned me. Until one day I asked “why?”.

After a particularly brutal assault, I engaged in an unexpected conversation with the me which continued to work against me. Frustrated, I asked for some answers. Why was I being so hard on me? Where did all of this self-loathing come from? How did it get started and why does it keep going?

I sensed the Inner Critic was unprepared for such a discussion. In the silence which followed there became a space for dialog, an opportunity to better understand this particular relationship with me.

What if the voice which had tormented me over a lifetime actually had something to teach me about me?

In our attempts to find peace and some emotional stability in life we tend to amplify the voices we feel work for us while suppressing those voices we feel work against us. Sounds logical. Actually, though, in suppressing the parts we don’t like we are suppressing parts of who we are in the processes. We may not want to hear what those parts have to say, but our whole self needs to be heard if we wish to find a deeper sense of peace and identity.

Maybe that Inner Critic voice just wants to be heard, too?

I’ve stopped labeling my inner critic as such. It’s simply a voice, one of many voices of inner dialog which I make space for. Only when there is space for safe dialog can there be any hope for change. I often don’t like what this particular voice has to say, but I always listen. And as I listen, I continue to learn and understand more about me, a fascinating deep dive into self discovery only made possible by my willingness and intentionality to make space and simply listen.

Come to find out, the voice formerly known as my Inner Critic was simply trying to keep me safely where I’ve subconsciously told it I was supposed to be. It still is. And I let it do so. I’ve grown to appreciate its loyalty and for loving me the only way it knows how to love me. 

No parts of me are actually working against me.

No parts of me are trying to hurt me.

They just want to be heard. 

So I listen and engage them from a position of sincere curiosity and compassionate understanding.

This safe space for dialog has generated an empowering peace within me. The “good” parts of me no longer fight with the “bad” parts of me because there is an equal seat at the table of my life for all.

There are no “good” or “bad” parts of me.

There’s just me.

It’s safe for me to be all of me.

Is it safe for you to be all of you?

Photo by Sinitta Leunen on Unsplash