Compassionate Moments Of Self-Discovery

“What’s wrong with me?” Gretchen sang, quite painfully.

The high school drama club’s spring production this year was “Mean Girls”, a condensed musical version of the motion picture written by Tina Fey originally released in 2004. It retells the age old story of fitting in and acceptance in the high school environment. Gretchen was in the inner circle of the school’s most important clique led by Regina. In exchange for being somewhat accepted, Gretchen paid the very steep price of essentially sacrificing her authentic self in the process. A painful process which led her to painfully question her own worth and value.

Insecurity is a powerful force. It preys upon our perceptions of unworthiness. It preys up our need to be safely accepted as we are, even if we compromise who we are in the process.

It’s a rather cruel process.

We are exposed to messages of insecurity daily. Our economy needs us to feel insecure about who we are, what we look like, how much we weigh, what we drive, and where we live. Social media is littered with images of the lifestyle we’re told we wished we were living and the relationships we wished we were having. And let’s not forget about FOMO and the brutality of being on the outside looking in.

All of which can lead us to question our worth as we fear falling behind where we are “supposed to be” in life.

A rather cruel process of abandoning who we really are in favor of who we think we need to be.

“What’s wrong with me?”

I’ve asked similar questions of myself as I’ve gone through different stages of my life, questions born out of the frustrations and confusion being alive can often bring with it. When I would catch myself asking such questions I would often berate myself simply because I felt I should already have had those important life questions already answered. For me, it really wasn’t about trying to fit in to the outside word, it was about trying to fit into my own. To understand myself and to accept myself in the process.

In time, my questions of doubt and unworthiness became compassionate moments of self-discovery. Like, what was I trying to tell me about me? These became dialog prompts which invited me inside of me and there some very important discussions took place. When you can create a safe space to compassionately sit in your own darkness you can learn quite a bit about yourself. I’ve learned enough about me to change the stories I had been telling myself about me.

The only thing wrong with me was believing that there actually was.

Gretchen was never truly accepted by Regina. Gretchen, more importantly, had never truly accepted herself.

When she did, it changed everything.

For her.

As it did for me.

As it will for you.

Photo by Christian Wiediger on Unsplash