The Gift Which Never Feels Like A Gift

I was hoping I wouldn’t see her.

But there she was.

It’s Sunday grocery shopping and I’m standing in the deli line, ticket number 117 in my hand. I see Janet working the slicer and I’m hoping that she won’t be the one who calls number 117.

Janet and I have issues. Actually, Janet has no idea I have issues with her. Janet, actually, has no idea who I even am.

And then she speaks.

“Number 117?”

Seriously?

My instructions from those at home who eat the freshly sliced deli meat is that the deli meat is to be sliced extremely thin. It sounds like a simple request, but for some reason asking Janet to slice the olive loaf extremely thin doesn’t make her happy. My request is always met with an indignant damning glance, as if I’ve instructed her to violate some sacred law of slicing sandwich meat. After a pronounced pause she say “you know, if you slice olive loaf too thin, all the olives will fall out”, her eyes still tensely locked with mine. “That’s OK…that’s how they like it”, I defiantly reassure her. “That’s OK.” With that, she sets the slicer’s thickness dial as low as she can and begrudgingly slices the meat as I requested it, holding up the first slice awaiting my approval before she continues. I silently nod my head once and the standoff is finally over.

In that same head I hear my indignant lament. “Can’t a man simply have his sandwich meat sliced the way he wants it without his motives being questioned? Do I really have to deal with this on a Sunday morning?”

But this really isn’t about Janet. What this is really about is why would I let such a scenario annoy me as much as it does?

If we are willing to look closely we will notice that within all of us lie triggers, those external occurrences and unmet expectations which habitually set us off emotionally. And no matter how we may choose to quantify the validity of these triggers, the fact that they exist is the only validation needed. I could certainly minimize my interactions with Janet as no big deal, but in doing so I’d be minimizing what is really going on inside of me.

Who gets annoyed about a conversation about sliced deli meat?

Well, I do. And with that awareness and acceptance I can then compassionately ask myself why.

Being annoyed is one of those gifts that never feels like a gift. It can be a portal inviting you to go deeper and create a safe space for introspection, to help you better understand you. I don’t like me being annoyed, nor do the people around me when I am annoyed. I’ve found, though, that the source of my annoyance is never the real source of my annoyance. It’s just the trigger, a pick at some emotional scab which has yet to fully heal.

My introspection has taught me that when I’m easily triggered it’s usually because I’ve become emotionally and spiritually uncentered. Something within me is off, misaligned. I’ve lost my emotional and spiritual balance, and I now need the world outside of me to behave in a certain way to compensate for it.

What works far better is for me to not depend on the outer world to change for me, but for me to change my inner world for me. To recenter myself emotionally and spiritually. From that perspective, I don’t need the world to be anything other than it actually is.

My daily morning meditation practice helps me to find my emotional and spiritual balance as I get ready to start my day. Compassionate self awareness of my thoughts and emotions throughout the day helps me to stay that way. It’s an imperfect process, but it works far better than staying annoyed.

Over time and with consistent practice, Janet has unknowingly transitioned from a curse to a blessing. When we do engage in our “olive loaf” conversations, I see her as a spiritual guide of sorts testing me to evaluate if I am centered and aligned or if I need to recalibrate my energy and focus.

When aware of the trigger, the trigger seldom gets pulled.

Do you have any Janets in your life? People who get you off of your center, triggered and annoyed? Or situations which do the same?

What are they really trying to tell you about you?

There is a lesson to learn in everything.

Even in thinly sliced olive loaf.

Photo by Larisa Birta on Unsplash