Creating A Safe Space For The Suck

It’s a game I’ve played with myself. Or maybe it was more of a survival mechanism.

I’d always been a big fan of the present moment. Unless I didn’t like the present moment. Then I’d find another moment somewhere in the future to save me from the discomfort of the present one.

I got quite proficient at using desired future outcomes to try and outrun the emotional challenges I could often find myself dealing with. Someday took the pressure off today. Someday allowed me to defer my responsibility of dealing with what is until some time in the distant future. Reaching those desired outcomes would take care of everything, I repeatedly told myself.

And they never did.

I’ve run away enough to know that running away never gets you anywhere else other than where you already are.

Someday is full of those distant utopian promises which we allow to sustain us at the expense of Continue reading “Creating A Safe Space For The Suck” →

An Unscheduled Detour On The Long Road To Nowhere

It’s an unusual feeling, running ahead of schedule. But there I was driving into work when that little voice spoke up.

“Back roads?”

The seed was planted and on this particular morning, and with a bit of a grin, I took the next exit off the interstate and decided to take the long way into the office. For the next 45 minutes I’d meander somewhat aimlessly through the old country roads in total silence.

Because, why not?

From a quantifiable productivity level, heading into work would have been far more beneficial. More time to get more stuff done. On most days I’d opt for the increased productivity. But some days there is an unquantifiable productivity of meandering intentionally on the road headed to no particular destination.

I’ve know these back roads my entire life. They’ve seen all sorts of different versions of me. The angry me, the frustrated me, the uncertain me, and even a peaceful me from time to time. These Continue reading “An Unscheduled Detour On The Long Road To Nowhere” →

A Faceful Of Wisdom

“We have a winner!”

Spending a few days in Maine we decided to include a stop at the 9th Annual Wild Blueberry Festival in Gray. And what’s a Wild Blueberry Festival without a blueberry pie eating contest.

In a scene reminiscent of a Hallmark movie I found myself in a small idyllic New England town standing at a table with nine others, hands behind our backs and blueberry pies inches from our faces awaiting the word to begin. When all was said and done, I turned my pie-stained face upwards to see the judge pointing at me declaring me the winner of the competition.

I won a blueberry pie eating contest. In Maine.

The grand prize included a four-pack of locally bottled blueberry soda and, more importantly, bragging rights.

As I wiped my face clean from the blueberries and crust embedded in my scruffy facial hair, I was asked if the pie actually tasted good.

I hadn’t really noticed.

Granted, the goal of a pie eating contest is to consume what’s in front of you faster than the others at the table. Devouring an 8 inch pie in 61 seconds didn’t leave room the evaluate the quality of the pie. It was all about speed.

On the hours-long drive home, still basking in the glory of my unexpected victory, I started thinking about speed. As in the pace of life. As in how much of life I may have missed being too Continue reading “A Faceful Of Wisdom” →

The Unexpected Peace Of Acceptance

Who knew such lessons could be contained in an eight foot section of rope?

A few years back I was humbled by a jump rope. One of the exercises in this particular fitness class I had signed up for involved jumping rope, something I’d not done in decades. But, how hard could it be? After all, it’s jumping rope, like riding a bicycle. You just pick up where you left off, right?

As I awkwardly spun the rope over my head, for the life of me I just couldn’t time my jumps correctly as the rope swung towards my feet. No grace. No elegance. No coordination. Recognizing my growing frustration, I kept trying and eventually I got into a bit of a rhythm until I hit the wall aerobically, surprisingly quickly fatigued by the cumulative challenge of jumping rope.

Maybe I wasn’t in as good of shape as I thought I was. I’d been consistently active at the gym, running consistently three times a week, yet a simple jump rope showed me I really wasn’t where I thought I was fitness wise.

Most of my significant moments of growth have grown out of moments when life humbled me. Some of those moments were unwelcome but showed up anyway. In other moments I voluntarily engaged with the realization and acceptance of certain situations, people, and circumstances and was willing to meet them where they were.

Including the jump rope.

Including myself.

Fighting with my perceptions of reality can often feel justified, even cathartic. And while the fighting might feel good, the fighting keeps you stuck and distracts you from taking the next steps in response to embracing the truth about those certain situations, people, and circumstances which, like that jump rope, can show you exactly where you are in relation to them.

If you’re open and willing to do so.

The jump rope showed me something I didn’t see in me. I could have discredited or denied the uncomfortable findings, or I could have accepted what was and decided to growth through it instead. Which is what I chose to do. I’ve gotten much better at casting aside my ego and habitual blame and allowing myself to be humbled by the truths in front of me. Knowing and accepting What Is provides the perfect foundation to build What Could Be if building a different experience is what you want to create for you. And in some areas of my life that’s exactly what I am intentionally doing.

Acceptance isn’t surrender. Acceptance isn’t passive. Acceptance isn’t even being OK with how portions of life actually are. It’s about allowing life to be exactly as it is right now and moving forward – or not – from a position of understanding where you are right now.

There is an unexpected peace and freedom which comes from accepting life as it is, without judging, without resisting, without wishing it was any different even if you’re tempted to wish that it was. For me that has been a long, non-linear, painful process.

But I’m getting better at it.

Just like jumping rope.

Photo by Ashley Inguanta on Unsplash

Mindfulness And Those Annoying Little Gelato Spoons

Thursday night. Old Town, Alexandria, VA. Our whirlwind trip to Washington, DC took us across the Potomac in search of a quick bite to eat as we prepared to head back north to our next destination.

We had packed quite a bit into a few days, and a relaxing dinner took us out of tourist mode for a little while. Sometimes vacations take on the same intensity vacations are supposed to take you away from. We managed to hit everything on the wish list, but we were always aware of where we were on our schedule.

After dinner we stumbled upon a small gelato shop. As an avid frozen treat consumer, stopping in was the easiest decision of the trip. After trying a few flavor samples, I settled upon the pistachio.

I’ve shed a great many less-than-healthy food vices in my lifetime. I’ve come to realize over the years the real issue for me, though, has less to do with the actual vice and more to do with my relationship with moderation. Cookies, donuts, alcohol, and caffeine were never ingested with moderation. If it was worth doing, it was worth over doing.

Especially when it came to frozen treats.

In my hand was a small cup of pistachio gelato. In my other hand was one of those annoyingly small plastic gelato spoons. As someone with a proven track record of over indulgence, the annoyingly small size of this spoon made over indulgence a substantial challenge for me.

Maybe that was the whole point?

As an over indulger, it’s always about the next bite. I’m sure the current bite is quite good, but honestly I usually never take the time to notice. The focus is on what’s next instead of what’s now. Continue reading “Mindfulness And Those Annoying Little Gelato Spoons” →

When There’s Nothing To Look Forward To

The future has always been a utopian distraction from the present. The future is where hopes and dreams and aspirations all reside, a perfect escape from the mundane nature of where we can find ourselves right now.

But what if there was nothing to look forward to?

Could I be at peace, at least for a moment, if all there was in my life was that which was already around me?

I’ve been a runner most of my life, running from what was towards what I wanted it to be, only to be consistently disappointed when I got there. Undeterred, I’d then find something else to run toward, convinced that this time would be different while intuitively knowing the disappointment would be waiting for me when I got there.

And it always was.

You can never outrun the present moment, no matter how good you are at running.

When we’re focused solely on the future we do so at the expense of the present. When our Continue reading “When There’s Nothing To Look Forward To” →

The Unexpected Wisdom Of Blueberry Pop-Tarts

My perfectly scheduled afternoon wasn’t running so perfectly.

An upcoming minor surgical procedure required me get a couple of vials of blood drawn ahead of the surgery. The plan allowed me time to get a quick bite to eat after my blood work which would still give me enough time to get back to my desk for a rather important conference call. When the blood work ran much longer than anticipated, eating lunch morphed into grabbing whatever I happened to have in my glove box in the car as I raced back to the office to make my 1:30 call.

In this instance, the only thing to eat in the glove box were Blueberry Pop-Tarts.

I can’t remember the last time I had eaten a Pop-Tart. I’d enjoyed my share of them over my younger years but they just don’t have a place in a more health-conscious food plan I have for myself. As a dad who often transports over-scheduled kids between their over-scheduled appointments, snacks can usually be found in the car to make sure the kids have something in their stomachs before jumping into their next activity.

Not having had Pop-Tarts in quite some time, it was like I was eating them for the first time. I re-discovered the crumbling texture of the crust, the sweetness of the artificial blueberries, the smoothness of the chemically-enhanced frosting on top.

I liked them a lot more before I grew up and knew exactly what I was eating.

When we try things for the first time we do so with a heightened sense of awareness. We notice all the Continue reading “The Unexpected Wisdom Of Blueberry Pop-Tarts” →

Life Will Never Let You Outrun Yourself

It had been quite some time since my last road trip here. A four hour drive west to visit some lifelong friends, a visit long delayed and long overdue.

On many a previous trip the younger me would often wonder what my life would look and feel like if I were to pack everything up and physically relocated to this area. A beautiful part of the world, a beautiful place to start anew.

The only problem?

I’d be taking me with me.

The same me I’d been trying to run away from.

My unending search for whatever I felt was missing in my life always lead me to search in places I would never actually find it. Especially since I wasn’t even sure what it was I was hoping to find. Running away from What Is can take many different forms, not just physically moving into a new ZIP code. Distractions in the form of alcohol, stimulants, avoidance, denial, big ideas, and even blame all seem Continue reading “Life Will Never Let You Outrun Yourself” →

Getting In Tune With The Present Moment

“Toys In The Attic.”

Aerosmith.

1975.

Going through some things in my home office, I stumbled across my old record collection. Good old fashioned vinyl LP’s. 100’s of them on a solid 2×4 and plywood cabinet I built many years ago to keep them dry and in good condition. Over the years the cabinet has been slowly covered with other stuff, the albums becoming very much out of sight and out of mind.

Music has always been an important part of my life, and back in the day vinyl was media of choice. Vinyl really wasn’t very portable, so for me to listen to the music it required me to also be less portable.

Back in the day we used to actual sit around and listen to music. Friends would gather and we’d bring our favorite albums and spend hours listening. Music was the focal point, not just something we had playing in the background as we did something else.

There was an intentionality and with that intentionality we sat fully present, just listening, discovering, and enjoying, listening fully in the moment.

Fast forward to the age of streaming. Of music seemingly everywhere on demand. Streaming has made music extremely portable, something you can take with you everywhere. As I thumbed through some of my favorite albums, I realized that streaming has changed my relationship with music. Even though I now have instant access to any song which pops into my head, listening has lost much of its intentionality. The intimacy is gone. The music has become something in the background as I do other things. I’m no longer fully in the moment.

I often feel relationships have also lost much of their intimacy. Like, they feel less intentional. In an ever-connected world, relationships are ever-accessible and yet they can often feel like background noise as we are busy doing other things, often at the expense of what really matters. Ever have to compete for a child’s attention when you’re talking with them with their phone in their hand? And it’s not just the kids. The battle to be fully present can be a struggle for me at times, and with the pace of life and the digital distractions I’m thinking I’m not the only one struggling.

It’s been said that the present moment is all we really have, yet how much of our present moment time is spent focused on trying to understand the moments we’ve had and trying to control the moments we’re going to have, at the expense of the present moment?

The present moment doesn’t care what we do with it.

Perhaps we should?

Photo by Skylar Sahakian on Unsplash

But What If The Present Moment Sucks?

I’m sure you’ve heard it.

“Be present.”

It’s the only moment we really have, they say. Because if we’re living in our past, we’re re-living the pains and regrets of yesterday, and if we’re living in the future it can be a fearful and worrisome based vision of the uncertainty which lies ahead. The present moment, we’re told, is the sweet spot between the two.

But what if the present moment sucks?

Because sometimes it does.

Then what do we do?

The present moment has been marketed as the safe space between our past and our future. An emotional oasis of sorts. But just because it’s the present moment doesn’t mean it’s always a peaceful moment.

Being aware that the present moment sucks is a good thing. It means you’ve been able to step back from your inner emotional turmoil to assess and determine that, yes, this moment actually sucks. Much like a first responder needs to assess the situation on scene before going forward, our self awareness is the first step for us to move beyond the suck.

Sometimes the suck is just a temporary moment. Sometimes it’s much bigger than that.

Sometimes, though, the best thing you can do in this suck moment is give yourself the time and the space to let the present moment suck.

To accept it as it is.

To allow it to be as it is.

Not beating yourself up because it does.

Not shaming yourself because it does.

Because when the present moment sucks, the last thing you need is to be in an abusive relationship with yourself.

You’ll find a way through.

You always have.

Peter Mis LivingHalfFull.com

Lessons From A Life Unfolding

Tag: present moment