When All Of Me Matters

I’ve never had a spa day, but according to Cleo spa days are a vitally important part of her self care regimen. 

I don’t know who Cleo is. She was one of several people sharing their thoughts on a podcast talking about how they like to show themselves a little love and attention. We all deserve a little pampering now and again, don’t we?

I’ve never been much into pampering. My way of showing myself a little love was showing myself a little tough love, of me reminding me why I didn’t deserve any pampering. It was a narrative I learned in my youth and continued to perpetuate as an adult. 

I got quite good at it as an adult.

It was one particularly brutal tough love “self care” session, though, which profoundly changed how I would care for myself going forward. Surprisingly, I asked myself why I was being so cruel to myself. Why was I so relentless in beating myself down for failing to live up to the unrealistic expectations I would often set for myself. It was an unfamiliar moment of self compassion which made room for more of such moments.

Listening to the podcast about self love and self care techniques provided the impetus to take a closer look at my own. I’ve come quite a long way from my days of emotionally abusing myself. Over the years, of all the things I’ve tried to do to change my relationship with myself, the most significant impact was in making space for all of the versions of me to co-exist within me.

One of the hard and fast rules of tough love is that there is no room for weakness. Voices of doubt, insecurity, fear, or scarcity are never given their space to be heard. Those voices are to be repressed. Not all parts of me were welcome, creating a thriving adversarial inner relationship, perpetuating the decades-long war against myself.

In the process of repressing these voices, you’re forced to repress important parts of who you actually are. It wasn’t until I finally gave them space to be heard did I realize they all had something important to say to me. 

About me.

These voices weren’t working against me, contrary to what I had believed about them. Repressing doubts, insecurities, fears, or scarcity doesn’t make them go away. Only when we give them a safe space to be heard can we understand more about them, and in doing so, understand more about ourselves.

I remember getting hostile towards myself whenever I would catch myself in moments of doubt and insecurity. I remember angrily forcing those thoughts and emotions back into their dark hidden spaces where I would try and keep them from the world. Now? When the arise I notice them. I feel them. I listen to them. They are free to speak their piece, each offering their invaluable insights and perspectives about me to me. In doing so, the inner war I’ve fought against myself no longer rages, and in that space of peace I am able to compassionately learn more about me in that particular moment.

A day at the spa sounds much more glamorous and relaxing. But the greatest act of self love and self care I’ve ever given to myself is learning to love and accept all the many different versions of me existing within me.

I’ve learned to embrace all of me.

Because all of me matters.

Photo by Erol Ahmed on Unsplash