Further Down The Road Of Self-Forgiveness

It had been about 20 years since my last visit, but I remembered this stretch of road quite well.

Interstate 89 is that long and winding road which would take me from Concord, New Hampshire northwest to the Vermont state line. My recent ride was personal, but for many years early in my professional life the curves and contours of this 60 miles of highway became well known to me.

As I meandered silently on this early Sunday morning drive, I felt as if I was getting reacquainted with an old friend as my mind wandered back to a different time in my life. A time when I was very much a different version of me. A time when I wasn’t really a very good friend to myself.

Despite my professional success, these years were not a happy period for me. Corporate pressures were compounded greatly by the internal pressures I placed upon myself. While my successes seemingly masked my silent fears and insecurities, those fears and insecurities were very much present, and definitely not silent within me. I was performing well above the limited expectations I habitually placed upon myself, and I knew in time those limitations would get the better of me. 

And they always did.

Making my way to Vermont, I found myself revisiting an old refrain I thought I had finally been able to leave behind. 

Regret.

Wishing I had done things differently. Wishing that I had taken full advantage of the opportunity I had been given. Wishing I had been able to rise above my fears and insecurities. Wishing, wishing, wishing. Regretting, regretting, regretting.

What I was really wishing for was for me to have been a different person than I actually was back then. And then beating myself up for it in the process.

I was who I was back then because, well, that’s who I was. I wasn’t then what I am today, and to hold myself to that impossible standard is in itself its own form of cruelty. That younger version of me didn’t need an ass-kicking; what that younger version of me needed was the compassion and patience this older version of me is now able to offer to others. And, equally as important, to myself.

It’s been a long journey, but I’ve fostered a far more compassionate and patient relationship with myself. I can learn a great deal from my past if I create a safe space for me to do so. Yes, regrets still exist. Gone, though, is the toxicity which once accompanied them. I no longer feel compelled to hold my present moments hostage by punishing myself for doing the best I could have possibly done with where I was in the past.

Continuously reflecting and learning as I head further down the road of self-forgiveness.

Photo by Diego Jimenez on Unsplash